DISCLAIMER

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Based on a true story.

Followed by...

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The stories, characters and situations depicted in this film and in all associated materials with this film are entirely fictional, and any resemblance with real life characters or events is purely coincidental.

EXt. DOWNTOWN OTTAWA.

Rob is cleaning the main ticket-selling kiosk for the company he works for, "Happy Sunshine Boat Tours." As he does so, the credits appear in an organic manner. Rob is wearing sunglasses.

Rob opens the flaps of the kiosk - the credits appear in behind. Rob meticulously cleans the dust from the interior of the kiosk, only to indiscriminately dump the dust bin's contents into the canal. The credits appear in an organic fashion in the disturbed water.

The camera then follows WES, the main protagonist. Paper in hand, Wes goes by the main sites of downtown Ottawa. The credits fade in and out in the bottom right corner of the screen. Wes passes on front of Parliament Hill, and passes by Naive Tourists. The camera then follows the Naive Tourists. In the next shot, the Naive Tourists are in the Byward Market. They pass by two individuals, hanging by the wall of a building, Kyle and Jake.

Kyle

Let's go.

The camera follows WES, who sees now the main ticket-selling kiosk. The next shot is of the kiosk - the Naive Tourists are there too. They try to approach the flaps, but Rob puts a chair in their way. They go to the door - but Rob puts a small filing cabinet in their way. They are evidently trying to make contact, and Rob is evidently purposefully oblivious. They approach another side of the kiosk - but Rob just shuts the flap. Frustrated, they leave. Wes comes into the shot.

A sign on Rob's kiosk reads:

PLEASE
DON'T THROW YOUR CIGARETTE
BUTTS ON THE GROUND
THE COCKROACHES ARE GETTING CANCER

EXT. SALES KIOSK.

wes

Hello?

ROB

[says nothing, is looking down.]

Wes 

Hi?

Rob looks up at WES, but still says nothing.

Wes 

Um... This is Happy Sunshine Boat Tours, right?

Rob keeps looking.

wes

I was told to show up here this morning? I'm the new guy - I'm supposed to be training to become a captain on one of the tour boats for the summer?

(pause)

Wes 

Do you think that I'm at the right place?

Rob shrugs.

Wes 

Do you talk at all?

Rob just keeps staring, without movement.

Wes 

Okay... Is there someone else I can talk to?

Rob shrugs.

Wes 

Is this your only booth?

Rob says nothing.

Wes 

Oh c'mon! What should I do then?

Rob looks at a box holding pamphlets in-behind Wes. Wes turns around, sees them, and turns back to give an incredulous look to Rob.

int. interview room.

Wes is sitting in a chair, motioning around as he gets comfortable, in an undisclosed location. In the background is a hanging black cloth.

Wes 

So you guys are making a documentary about the tourist scene? That's pretty neat.

The camera is slightly displaced, indicating a small passage of time. The director is heard speaking in the background, though his voice is muffled/indiscernible.

Wes 

Yeah, you could say I'm stressed. Here I am on my first day, trying to make a good impression - and I don't even know if I'm at the right place. I tried calling the manager who had hired me, but I think his cellphone is off or something. And I have no idea what the fu... can I say that on-camera?

The director speaks in mumblish.

wes

Yeah. And I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with that guy at the kiosk either. Seriously. He hasn't said anything once.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.

Rob is sitting in the chair. He just looks at the camera, says nothing.

EXT. SALES KIOSK.

Wes is handing out pamphlets. Parker's car arrives by the kiosk, stops. Parker gets out his car.

Wes 

Hello? My name is Wes, I'm here for the job as captain?

Parker 

You the new kid? What's your name son?

Wes 

(slightly perplexed)

Wes, sir. I'm here for the job as captain?

Parker 

Captain! Captain? Do we look like we need more captains?

Wes moves his lips as if to answer, but is speechless.

Parker

You're going to be a ticket seller, like Rob over there.

Kyle and Jake walk up to the sales kiosk.

Parker 

These guys will train you up there on the street. Kyle, Jake, this is Will. Jake by the way is mute, so don't expect him to handle the talking to customers.

Jake waves a hello to Wes.

Wes 

Wes.

PARKER

No, his name is Jake.

wes

No, I mean my name is Wesley. Not Will.

PARKER

Are you trying to be smart with me kid?

wes

No, sir - just telling you my name.

parker

Good. We have enough smart asses here already. Now go on the streets.

EXT. WELLINGTON STREET BRIDGE.

kyle

So, Wes, how did you land this job?  Did you bang Parker's daughter too?

WES

No. What's-

Jake is pulling a card out of a deck.

kyle

That's Jake's pack of cards. He uses it to talk to people that don't understand sign language.

The card that Jake pulls out shows a younger person making love to an older lady.

kyle

Jake was wondering if it's because you had banged Parker's wife.

wes

(disgusted)

God, no. What the hell?

Jake pulls out another card. It shows a man giving a blowjob to another.

kyle

That one means-

wes

No, I get it. I went to a summer job fair at the university last week. They pretty much hired me on the spot. That was it. No sex with anyone. Not with Parker's daughter. Not with his wife. Not with him. Jesus.

Kyle

Whoa. You're the first person hired by this company that isn't somehow related to Parker. Take Rob - he's Parker's nephew.

The camera splits to Rob, who is pulling weights in the sales kiosk. It reverts back to Kyle.

kyle

And both Jake and I have dated and banged Parker's daughter... At the same time.

Jake adopts a big grin and nods.

EXT. WELLINGTON STREET BRIDGE.

Stop-motion photography of tourists passing by the ticketsellers, indicating the passage of time. Though this shot focuses on Wes, Kyle, and Jake, it is taken from a much greater distance.

EXT. WELLINGTON STREET BRIDGE.

Kyle

The secret to this job is to do the minimum amount of work, while making it seem like you're working as hard as everyone else. Or as hard as, say *that* guy.

Kyle points to Gabe, a worker for the opposing company. Gabe is across the street, trying to pass pamphlets onto uninterested pedestrians.

Wes 

Is that another tour company?

Kyle

Yeah. They do boat tours too, and that there is Gabe, their star employee. You don't get more of a pretty boy than that guy.

Kyle

(shouts)

Hey Gabe! I saw your girlfriend yesterday! She seemed a little... out of breath?

Kyle does pumping motions with his hands, as he opens his mouth in a taunting manner (ie. as if to eat a large cucumber.)

GABE

(shouts)

I don't have a girlfriend goat-fuckers!

Two old ladies witness the swearing, and are shocked.

Kyle chuckles.

Kyle

Yeah, Gabe is one of the sources of fun we have here at this company. I'd feel bad for him if it wasn't for the fact he's so stuck up.

(pause)

Kyle

Oh, I think he's got some customers. Look at how he's buttering them up.

Gabe is showing two customers a pamphlet. He smiles as he says something, and they laugh, though the conversation itself cannot be heard from Kyle and Wes' position.

Kyle

I think they're coming over.

The two tourists start to walk over.

MALE TOURIST

Let's just check that other company out. I know you said it looks like crap, and if that's the case then we'll just go for gay-boy over there.

female tourist

Poker face?

Male tourist

Poker face.

The tourists approach, poker faced. They look at Wes.

FEMALE TOURIST

(unimpressed)

So what's the difference between your boat tours and theirs?

The tourist points to Gabe, who is enthusiastically at it again.

Wes 

Ahh...

Jake shrugs. Kyle interjects.

Kyle

They're pretty much the same. Both these tours are two hours on the river, and they see the same things, but our captains have a clean criminal record.

MALE TOURIST

What do you mean?

Kyle

You don't... Of course you don't. You guys aren't from here huh?

MALE TOURIST

No.

Kyle

Right: tourists. It makes sense. Well, a few years ago, their main captain had his license suspended because he was found driving under the influence.

Jake nods. Wes has his jaw dropped in disbelief.

Kyle

Yeah, he just walked off from the captain's cabin so he could swiggle one in the washroom. The boat then ran straight into shore.

FEMALE TOURIST

So, he doesn't drive anymore though right?

Kyle

That's the thing. He still does - he got his license back a few weeks ago.

FEMALE TOURIST

Well, I'm sure he learned his lesson.

Kyle

Yeah, but while he was in the washroom - he also fondled a boy. It could never be proven though because the boy died from AIDS some just weeks before the trial was set to begin.

FEMALE TOURIST

Still...

Jake makes the motions of masturbating, in a matter-of-fact way. Unsurprised, Kyle looks at it, as if it were sign language.

Kyle

Oh, and Jake's right - I almost forgot: our tickets are also $1 cheaper.

MALE TOURIST

We'll go for it.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.

Kyle and Jake are both in the interview room.

Kyle

Jake and I have always worked together. Before this job, we both were at a call center for a credit card company.

INT. CALL CENTER.

Kyle

(voiceover)

Jake is mute though, so things were rather interesting. Still, we got our fun.

Jake is seen by a phone. A customer is complaining hard, and Jake just keeps pressing the dial tone buttons repeatedly - which the customer responds to by screaming. The camera shifts over to Kyle at his side.

Kyle

(on the phone)

Thank you for calling the Billing Department. If you're calling to change your account details, please press 1. If you're calling to report fraud, please press 2. (small pause) If you wish to speak to a customer representative, please press 0.

A telephone touch tone is heard.

Kyle

We're sorry, we didn't understand that. Please press harder.

(pause)

Kyle

(shouting)

Press it harder!

The tone is heard again, for a slightly longer duration.

Kyle

Noo. Press longer damnit!

The tone is heard for a long time.

Kyle

Thank you. Please wait for the next available representative.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.

Kyle

We've both been working here for 6 months now.

Jake nods.

EXT. WELLINGTON STREET BRIDGE.

Kyle

Wes, what time is it?

Wes 

Uh.. about 10:30.

Kyle

It's almost time.

Wes 

Time for...?

Jake tugs Kyle, and points at two incoming tourists. They are the same naive tourists as Rob dealt with in the first scene.

Kyle

Shit, they look interested in the tour. Jake - the mullet trick?

Jake nods.

Naive Tourists

(to Kyle)

Excuse me?

Kyle

Mullet?

Naive Tourists

Excuse me?

Kyle

Mullet.

Naive Tourists

I don't understand what you mean?

Kyle

Mullet!

Naive Tourists

What does that mean? "Mullet"?

Kyle

Mulle-e-e-et.

Naive Tourists

Look, we want a boat tour here. How much will that cost?

Kyle

Mullet.

Naive Tourists

Sweet Mary.

Kyle

Mullet?

The tourist looks at Jake. Jake takes out pocket cards from his pocket - flips through them. He takes out one with a picture of a mullet, and shows it to the man.

naive tourists

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

The tourist, disgusted, looks at Wes. They leave.

Kyle

I thought they'd never leave. Let's go.

ext. wellington street.

Kyle, Wes, and Jake are walking down Wellington Street.

kyle

Wes, the mullet trick is the best way of getting rid of unwanted customers, apart from swearing at them. But if we swear, then Parker  gets complaints, so the Mullet trick is just better. Or you can do what Rob does.

EXT. SALES KIOSK.

A customer approaches Rob. Rob sees them, and raises the baseball bat in his hands, taping his other hand with it gently. The customer turns around and walks away.

EXT. HIGH-RISE HOTEL WHICH SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS.

Kyle, Jake, and Wes join Rob, the Captain (Briscoe), and the Tour Guide as they wait in line to the side of the hotel.

Kyle

Every morning, the Parliament's marching band comes downtown. They make a lot of noise. But every time they pass by, there's always people inside the hotel that are curious about all the sound. So they come to the window. And that includes hot chicks that are still changing.

Wes 

Wait - what?

Kyle

You'll see.

A marching band is heard distantly in the background.

Kyle

That's them... Now wait for it... wait for it...

Wes looks at the marching band. Kyle turns him around to face the hotel. The crew looks up at the hotel's windows. A topless girl, perhaps in her early/mid-twenties, appears by the window.

CAPTAIN

There we go! Third story, fourth window from the left!

Kyle

Not bad. 6.8/10?

CAPTAIN

Nah, you kidding? 7.5/10.

TOUR GUIDE

I call 7.4/10. You Jake?

Jake pulls out a calculator. He types in 7.8.

Kyle

7.8 from Jake. Wes? What's your call?

Wes 

Ahh-

Wes is in disbelief.

Wes 

Don't you guys have I don't know - girlfriends or something?

CAPTAIN

Yeah, but this is free boobage! Who would pass that up? Even my girlfriend thinks this is a good idea.

Kyle

Okay, well the fun's over, and the boat's about to leave so I'm going to head back. Wes?

Kyle prepares to leave, and Wes goes with him. Parker shows up.

Parker 

What are you doing in company uniform?

Wes 

What do you mean? You gave this to me this morning.

Parker 

No I didn't.

Wes 

Um... yes you did.

Kyle

Parker, this is the new employee - Wes. He's supposed to be the new captain?

Parker 

So what the hell are you doing here then?

Wes 

Well you told me to-

Kyle

Your brother told him he was going to be a ticketseller instead.

Parker 

We don't need ticketsellers, we need captains! Do we look like we need ticketsellers?

Wes 

Wait what - you're his brother? And you're both named Parker?

Kyle

It's their last name.

Parker 

(to Wes)

Anyways, I want you to be on the boat that leaves at 2. See what they do on board. Until then, you can work with Rob over here.

Wes 

Okay.

EXT. COMPETITOR'S SALES KIOSK.

Kyle passes by the competitor's sales kiosk on his way back to the Wellington Street position.

Gabe is on front of the kiosk making ninja moves. He bows, and continues on. Kyle slows down, and stops in disbelief.

KYLE

Gabe, what are you doing?

GABE

It's my newest ninjitsu move. It's too complicated for you to understand. So let me dumb it down for you - I have my hand open when I throw a punch, and close my fist at the last second. It makes the punch more aerodynamic. More fast. More deadly.

Gabe repeats the punching move, uttering "kyas" under his breath as he does so.

kyle

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

GABE

Maybe if it had hoes and gangstas in it, then "homies" like you would understand complex things like this. You just don't have the Eye-Cue necessary.

Gabe spins an imaginary table as he says "IQ."

kyle

Oh I think I do. See ya Gabe.

Kyle walks on.


EXT. SALES KIOSK.

Wes is handling out pamphlets again. He passes it to a few people. A black man comes by, and Wes is seen talking to him in the distance from Rob's perspective. The guy goes off.

Rob lets out a chuckle.

Wes 

(irritated)

What?! 

Rob shakes his head, with a smile.

Wes 

No please indulge me - I've been handing out pamphlets for half an hour, and you haven't said a word to me. Every time I try to say something, you just respond with a stupid shrug or a fucking shake of the head. So if you're going to laugh, and about me, you better tell me about what!

Rob 

(chill)

Nah, nothing. It's just that black people don't buy boat tours.

Wes 

What the hell do you mean? Of course they do! I'm black - skin colour makes no difference!

Rob 

Have you ever bought a boat tour?

Wes 

No!

ROB

Well?

wes

But that has nothing to do with this!

Rob

(skeptical tone)

Okaaa-y.

Another black person comes by. Wes tries to pass them the pamphlet, and they look interested. As he talks to the individual, Wes gives a look of victory to Rob.

Wes 

(to black person)

So you want to go for it?

Black person

Mmm... no. Thanks anyways.

Wes gives Rob an incredulous look. Rob is laughing out loud, slamming his hand on the desk. Wes approaches him.

Rob 

(wiping a tear)

Heh - you're not so bad after all.

A man in ragged clothing approaches the duo.

Shady guy

Hey... You guys want some PCP?

Wes 

Nooo thanks...

SHADY GUY

Then.. um (goes through bag), how about some keys to the boats of the company you guys compete with? Huh?

Rob 

Not today man, but if you come by some other stuff let me know.

The man leaves, unphased.

wes

What was that?

A girl comes running down by the steps by the sales kiosk. The camera shows Wes looking up. Leah comes down, in slow-mo. Bad 80s music plays. The sound of a vinyl scratching cuts the music and resumes playback of the movie to normal speed.

LEAH

Did Kyle or Jake do it?

Rob 

Do what?

Kyle and Jake run down by the same steps to the sales kiosk.

kyle

We just let lose a badger in their kiosk! They're dealing with it now!

Wes 

You what?

ext. competitor's sales kiosk.

kyle

(voiceover)

We let loose a badger.

Kyle, in Parks Canada uniform, is seen calmly opening a violently shaking animal cage.

int. competitor's sales kiosk.

"Badger cam." A black snout is placed on front of the camera. The camera is then placed on the floor, facing the employees (including Gabe) of the opposing company. The camera, along with the sound effect of a raving badger, then jumps to "bite" the employees of the other company.

GABE

What the fuck is a badger doing in here?

EMPLOYEE

How the fuck should I know?

ext. sales kiosk.

Wes is seen looking at Leah. She is talking rapidly and laughing to Rob - but the volume fades out. Zoom in on Wes' face.

Wes 

(quietly, to Kyle)

Who is she?

kyle

That's Leah. She's the only chill employee that works at the other company.

wes

She's... special.

Wes has his eyes locked ahead. Kyle looks at Wes, then ahead, then back at Wes. He smiles.

Kyle

Whoa look at you eh? Well she just split up with her boyfriend a few weeks ago.

Wes looks at Kyle.

kyle

Yeah, the guy was cheating on her or some shit like that. Anyways if you like her, just go talk to her, get some conversation going. Just don't do what Gabe does.

Wes

What does Gabe do?

kyle

He takes advantage of chicks when they're down to get free sex. If you ever try to pull off that kind of shit around me, I'll kill you. Speaking of Gabe the bastard.

Gabe comes running down the stairs beside the kiosk.

gabe

Alright, who did it?! Who did it! C'mon, I know it was one of you. Leah, what are you doing here?

LEAH

(disinterested)

Just chilling, Gabe.

gabe

Well you shouldn't be here. And I'm going to catch you guys one day, and when I do! Oh, and what's this here?

Gabe walks up to Wes. One of Rob's customer walks in, giving Gabe an odd gaze. The camera circles around Gabe.

GABE

A new employee eh? To corrupt the mind of? Did you do this?

Gabe pokes repeatedly in Wes' chest, and then leaves his finger dug into Wes' torso. When saying the word "phat", Gabe makes the quotes movement with his fingers (ie. bunny ears.)

GABE

Did you think it would be "phat" to show off to your friends by doing this?

Wes 

What the fuck?

gabe

Well you guys are getting this close - (motioning with his fingers)- this close from getting shut down.

Gabe leaves.

ROB's customer

Whoa - that man has some emotional issues. Rob: hook me up?

Rob flips the panel of boat tour prices in his kiosk, revealing the prices for doobies, dimebags, weed by the gram, hash, and seeds.

Wes 

(in disbelief)

Oh, you have to be shitting me.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.

Gabe is alone in a room. He makes a finger gun, and a tough (gangsta) face to go with it, and points at the camera. He then crosses two finger guns on his chest, still with the tough look. A door is heard opening. Gabe, surprised, jerks in his chair.

gabe

So how much will I get paid for this?

The director's voice - distant mumbles - are heard in response.

gabe

Oh c'mon, you have to pay people to do this. I bet you you paid those idiots for the other company, huh?

GABE

Really nothing? You suck! Why am I still hanging around then? Will I be famous at least?

The director again responds.

gabe

As much as my blow up what? Oh you fucking cocksucker!

Gabe aims for the director behind the camera, knocking over the tripod, and throwing the camera on the ground.

EXT. SALES KIOSK.

Rob is in the sales kiosk. Wes is sitting in the chair by the kiosk outside. Two customers are seen approaching. Subtitles don the lower portion of the screen for when the customers speak.

bitchy french customer

Allo?

Rob stares at them silently.

BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER

Est-ce que vous parlez francais? [Do you speak French?]

Rob turns his head to Wes.

Wes 

(in a thick accent)

Ah oui, je parles un peux. Pui-je vous aider? [Ah yes, I speak a little. May I help you?]

The French people are taken aback.

BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER

Oui. Pour debuter, vous pourriez me dire si il ya quelqu'un a qui je pourrais parler qui parle un meilleur francais que vous. [To start off with, could you tell us if there's someone here that speaks better French than you?]

wes

(with a smile)

Malheureusement, je pense que je suis le seul. [Unfortunately, I think I'm the only one.]

The bitchy French lady is seen fiddling through her hideous purse.

BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER

Ah j'en reviends pas, des maudit anglais. Y'a tu vraiment personne? Calisse, c'est la capitale nationalle ici - d'un pays bilingue - autant francais qu'anglais! Si vous ne pouvez pas parler du bon francais, sortez d'ici! Va au Nouveau Brunswick ou quelque chose. [I don't believe it. Damn English. It's the national capital here, of a bilingual country - as much French as English! If you can't speak good French, get out! Go to New Brunswick or something.]

Wes 

En effet, le Nouveau Brunswick est - [Actually, New Brunswick is -]

BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER

Oh la ferme esti. [Oh shuddup damnit.]

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.

BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER

Vivre le Quebec libre!

EXT. SALES KIOSK.

Wes and Bitchy French Customers are in a virtual standoff, away from the kiosk. The camera is at a funny angle to Wes.

WES

Alors voulez-vous, ou ne voulez-vous pas, une croisiere? [Do you, or do you not, want a cruise?]

They are at a standoff. A pause ensues. Meanwhile, in the background, a nun is seen approaching Rob. Rob flips the boat prices sign over. She nods, and Rob is seen passing the nun a dimebag.

A cellphone rings of one of the bitchy customers breaks the standoff.

BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER

(on cellphone)

Hello? Yes, Mr. Clarke, I can speak now.

Both Wes looks back at Rob in the background. Rob looks back, shaking his head into his hand in disbelief.

The French customer raises his finger to Wes, to indicate that he'll be a second. Wes approaches Rob.

Wes 

Can you believe this shit?

Rob 

They're not the worst we've had. Let me handle it.

The French customer clasps his phone shut, and approaches the sales kiosk.

BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER

On est pas interesse dans votre tournee d'anglais, mais il y a til un restaurant avec de la bonne bouffe quebecqoise icite dans cette ville de putain? [We're not interested in your English cruise, but is there a good Quebecquois restaurant in this bloody city?]

Rob 

Tell him there's a decent place three streets down, two streets to the left.

Wes 

Il a dit -

BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER

I understood, I understood.

The French customers walk off, mumbling angrily. Parker shows up.

Parker

Hey, how bout you go to lunch? By the time you come back, it'll almost be time for you to get on that boat anyways.

Wes 

Okay.

Wes walks off. A cyclists come by fast, clips him.

Wes 

Hey, watch it buddy!

Parker 

What the hell are you doing? Walking off like that?

Wes suddenly realizes who he was talking to.

Wes 

You... Parker just sent me off for lunch.

parker

Oh. Alright then.

EXT. DOWNTOWN OTTAWA.

Shots of roller blading chicks on the canal are show. Tourists at busy intersections downtown. Wes is seen settling down for lunch outside on Sparks street. He looks down on either way, and takes out a Tim Horton's wrap.

Stop-motion shots of the shadow of buildings on the ground, to represent the passage of time. Wes is seen again, with his wrap all eaten up - he has now but the wrapping paper Tim Horton's used. He throws it in the garbage.

Wes checks his watch. He taps on it. He looks up at the clock on the Parliament.

Wes 

Shit.

EXT. docks.

Wes is running back. The annoying cyclist comes by - Kyle throws a spike strip. The cyclist crashes some thirty feet down. All the employees are present, and huddled around Parker.

Parker 

Wes, where were you!?

Wes 

Sorry, my watch was off and I didn't notice.

Parker 

Well damnit boy! I just got word that Transport Canada is doing a surprise inspection today!

kyle

Why is that such a bad thing?

parker

Why? Why?! Because of the life jackets, that's why! We have three ships, but only enough life jackets for one, maybe two. If Transport Canada sees that, they'll shut us down!

Parker turns around, and walks back and forth.

Parker 

(calmly)

Rob, I want you to take care of it.

rob

Take care of what? This is your responsibility! You never wanted to invest in the life jackets in the first place! Even after last time!

parker

Yeah, I know - but you've done shit like this before! C'mon, Rob! If you pull this off, I'll give you, and all of you, time-and-a-half for all your week's pay!

Rob 

Okay. Okay. I'll do it.

There is a pause.

Rob

You'll owe me more than a few bucks for this one Parker. What's the other Parker doing right now?

Parker 

Trimming his nose.

A shot of Parker is shown, trimming his nose on front of the side-mirror of a car.

Rob 

Good, that'll keep him busy. Briscoe?

Briscoe

Yeah?

Rob 

How's the permit for this ship?

Briscoe

Expired four years ago.

ROB

Okay. Think you can change the dates for me? Make it look like we're not faking it?

Briscoe

Sure.

rob

Now last time this happened, we rented the life jackets from the city marina. We don't have time for that now, but I think we can handle this.

Music plays. Briscoe is seen on a table, carefully cutting and pasting pieces of paper to a certificate. Rob is busy talking to the owner of a small boat. Kyle, Jake, and Wes are seen piling the life jackets. They are then seen bringing them onto the first of three boats and putting them in. Briscoe looks at his completed falsified certificate. The music ends, and the camera shifts to an external view of the boats.

EXT. COMPANY BOATS.

The inspector is on the dock.

inspector

So, everything in order?

Parker 

Yes it is.

INSPECTOR

I'll inspect this ship first, and then move onto the others?

Parker 

That's what we were counting on.

The inspector enters the boat. Parker goes in with him. Rob is behind with a stop watch. He starts it. A cross-fade happens, and we now see it's 15 minutes later on the watch. The inspector leaves the boat with Parker.

INSPECTOR

Not bad, not bad. You had enough safety vests, but you'll have to replace the fire hose. Onto the next one?

PARKER

We- well what kind of firehose?

INSPECTOR

Oh c'mon, you know full well. Call the Kingston office if you want the exact specs, but those rubber hoses have to go.

The camera shifts focus to the other side of the tour boat. Kyle, Wes, and the tour guide, are in a small boat to the side of the sixty-tonner. Briscoe and the Tour Guide are inside, rapidly offloading safety vests into the small ship.

Parker 

Well, how about I take you out to lunch first? Say, a nice steak?

INSPECTOR

That's really tempting.

There's a pause, as the inspector thinks.

inspector

No, I can't. I'm on government time.

parker

Oh c'mon.

The camera shifts focus to the other side of the tour boat. Kyle, Wes, and the tour guide continue their efforts.

Kyle

(quietly)

We got to go faster!

Meanwhile, back on the other side. The inspector tries to advance to the second boat. Rob cuts on front of the inspector.

Rob 

Have you checked out the other company at all lately? (Playfully) I hear bad things from their employees.

INSPECTOR

No. Now if you'll excuse me.

Back on the other side, the small boat in which Wes is in is moving in parallel to the inspector walking on the dock towards the second boat.

Briscoe

Shit, shit, shit! We don't have the life jackets on the other boat yet!

A loud horn is then heard, with seven short and one long blast.

Inspector

What the hell - is that the distress signal? Excuse me.

Parker 

No problem.

We see Jake holding a pocket blow-horn by a boat. Back with Kyle...

Kyle

That was lucky.

Kyle, Wes, and the tour guide are busily offloading the life jackets into the second boat. The inspector is back.

inspector

(to Parker)

It was apparently a false call.

Parker 

Yeah, that happens alot around here. Maybe you government guys should investigate that, put that tax money to good use.

The inspector enters the second boat. Wes and the guys are all in the small boat, by the windows of the tour ship, bent over as to remain hidden from view. The inspector comes out.

Inspector

All's in order. Now onto the last boat?

Parker 

Okay.

Briscoe and the tour guide sneak back into the tour boat.

Briscoe

(quietly)

Quick, quick, quick!

Jake is seen with the shady guy, pointing to the inspector. The shady guy approaches the inspector, as he moves on.

Shady guy

Hey, buddy... you want some PCP?

INSPECTOR

What? No...

SHADY GUY

How about this purse?

The shady guy pulls out the same hideous purse that the bitchy french customer was fidgeting through.

SHADY GUY

It's quality Armani!

INSPECTOR

(visibly annoyed)

No it's not - it just says "Made in Armenia." Look, get out of my way before I call the cops.

SHADY GUY

Fine, homie - I don't want trouble.

The shady guy moves on.

INSPECTOR

It's quite sad the situation this area is in. For a tourist hotspot, you'd think that they'd take people like these off the street. Do you always have to deal with people like that?

Parker looks over the inspector's shoulder. He sees Kyle waving furiously in behind, making horizontal slicing motions around his neck with his hand and motioning "no" with his lips, indicating they aren't done yet. Kyle has a panic-stricken face.

parker

No, not usually.

inspector

Well, onto boat number three.

The screen cuts to a shot of the panicked faces amongst the employees. The screen is divided into five parts: in one, we see Kyle's panicked-face, then Wes, then Parker, then the other Parker still trimming his nose. Rob cuts in just as the inspector makes the first step.

rob

Ahh - before you go on, I just wanted to give you this.

INSPECTOR

What is it?

Rob 

It's a poem my mentally deficient brother wrote for you, when he found out you were coming on today. Apparently he saw you last time you came, and wanted to give you this gift. I told him you would read it.

INSPECTOR

Ah... Thanks... Can I read it later?

Rob 

I'd normally say yes, but he's actually here right now. Jake!

Jake comes over.

Rob 

Jake, this is the inspector. You remember him?

Jake contorts his body in a fashion emulating the physically deficients, and nods vigorously his head up and down with a large smile.

Rob 

Do you want to read it, Mr. Inspector?

Rob sees the crew working on bringing the life jackets into the third boat. Wanting to turn the inspector to face away from the commotion, Rob and Jake sit down on the benches by the dock.

Rob 

We'll sit here.

INSPECTOR

Ahh... Sure...

The inspector takes the card. He then re-orients it to one side, and then another. Meanwhile, on the side of the third boat, the crew is loading on the new life vests.

Briscoe

Leave it to Rob to save the day.

Briscoe

Okay, we're good.

Kyle gives a thumbs up to Rob.

TOUR GUIDE

Wait - isn't this the part where Gabe comes down and rat out on us? Where is the 25 year old virgin anyways?

kyle

Oh, I took care of him and them.

int. sales kiosk, competitor's sales kiosk.

The scenery alternates between the competitor's sales kiosk, and Kyle who is at a mall payphone. Gabe's phone rings. He picks it up.

voice

Hello - is this the company for boat tours? Who am I speaking to?

gabe

This is Gabe, sir.

voice

Hello Gabe. My name is D. Eisenhower, and I'm with the US Embassy?

gabe

Yes?

Kyle is seen talking through a voice changer.

Kyle

(on the phone)

We have a special guest in town, and we want him to take him on a tour today. We'd be a group of about 120... can we fit on your 3PM cruise?

gabe

That's too short notice... I don't think I can...

VOICE

(raising his tone)

This is urgent, son. I can't tell you who the guest is, but let's just say he works in a little thing we call the Oval Office. Can you, or can you not clear those seats?

GABE

I... I.. I..

KYLE

I see here that there's also another company in town - "Happy Sunshine Tours"? You know what - I think we'll call them up. Maybe they'll have the free seats. I'm sure you-know-who wouldn't really care what vessel he's on.

gabe

Jesus. We'll free up the seats sir. 3PM you said?

VOICE

Yes. I'm glad to hear you're cooperating son. We'll send someone down there ASAP. He should be there within an hour. In the meantime, get those boats ready, okay?

gabe

Yes sir! And sir?

voice

Yes?

gabe

Could I get his autograph? The you-know-who's?

kyle

I'll put a good word in for you, son.

gabe

Thanks you sir.

The shady guy approaches Kyle at the payphone.

voice

Before I let you go son, I'd just like to know one thing - Would you like some PCP?

gabe

Some what sir?

voice

Never mind son. Never mind.

Gabe runs off.

Kyle

I feel ... sad for the guy.

ext. tour boat.

The camera focusing on the reflection of Briscoe in the window of the boat, as he wastes time by clasping his jaw open and close; extending his tongue and making "arhh" sounds. The camera turns around to face the Tour Guide.

tour guide

We're ready. You're coming on this one Wes?

wes

Yeah.

tour guide

So who is driving, and who is commentating this tour Briscoe?

Briscoe

I don't know - RPS?

tour guide

That works. Best two out of three?

Briscoe nods.

TOUR GUIDE

On three. One, two, three.

Both the tour guide and Briscoe play rock paper scissors. Briscoe wins. Briscoe takes deep breaths, and walks it off.

BRISCOE

Hold on a sec, hold on a sec. I need to think.

Briscoe places his fingers to his mouth, in a pensive manner.

TOUR GUIDE

One, two, three.

Briscoe wins again.

tour guide

Arhh...

Briscoe

I call driving.

TOUR GUIDE

Of course.

Briscoe

Wes - rock paper scissor is the fundamental decision making force behind this company. We use it to determine who gets to go home early, who gets to keep the good leftovers from the caterers - anything really. [Begs for something funny.]

tour guide

Like take right now. Both me and Briscoe hate tourists, and what do we hate even more? (looks at Briscoe)

Briscoe

Giving them tours?

tour guide

So we rock-paper-scissor it to see who will have to give the tour. In this case, that's me.

A sign by the side of the boat, a few feet away, falls over.

Briscoe

Ahh not again. RPS?

TOUR GUIDE

Okay.

Briscoe

One two three.

Briscoe looses.

Briscoe

Arh. Best two out of three?

tour guide

C'mon dude.

Briscoe

(with a sigh)

Okay.

Briscoe props the sign back up. Wes goes on board.

int. TOUR boat.

Close-up shots are shown of the captain starting the boat, and of the boat leaving.

The next shot is of the tour guide starting his speech. The speech fades off as the camera turns to concentrate on Wes' face, who is busy looking outside.

We see the outside - sunbathing chicks, cars passing by - multiple shots of outdoor scenery. This is spliced with shots of the tour guide, talking with great interest of the sights around. During this time, the tour guide's speech is muted - and replaced with the sound of beaty music. The tour guide motions as he makes a joke, and Wes laughs (all still silent.)

This music is suddenly interrupted by a cellphone.

cellphone guy

Yeah? Yeah, I can talk right now.

(pause)

CELLPHONE GUY

Heey Rick! How ya doin' buddy! (pause) Oh yeah?!

The tour guide stops.

tour guide

Excuse me sir?

The man puts up his finger, as if indicating to the tour guide to wait one moment.

TOUR GUIDE

Sir?

The man turns his head to one side, and inserts one finger into his ear.

CELLPHONE GUY

(on phone)

Yeah, yeah, yeah - oh really?

TOUR GUIDE

You have to be shitting me. (resumes) So the canal there was built in case the Americans would try to-

The man breaks out laughing - interrupting the tour guide. The tour guide's eye twitches.

TOUR GUIDE

So as I was saying, the reason this canal was built was that back then we were fresh off the war of 1812 and -

The man laughs extremely loudly again again.

CELLPHONE GUY

(on phone, excited)

Yeah, yeah?!

The tour guide sighs.

In the next shot, the tour guide sits down by the front of the boat, along side the captain and Wes.

TOUR GUIDE

Dear God that cellphone guy was annoying.

At this time, subtitles appear on the bottom of the screen along side the text.

Tour guide

(subtitles)

Fucking hell that cellphone guy was a royal pain in the ass. I wanted to strangle him with his own antenna.

The subtitles continue:

tour guide

(subtitles)

...and then piss on his dead body.

Wes 

What?

Briscoe

Oh, by the way - everything we say here you have to exaggerate to get the full truth. It's how we get to say things so that tourists don't understand.

wes

Oh, okay.

tour guide

So how was the party last night?

Briscoe

Good. I met some nice girls.

Briscoe

(subtitles)

Good. I fucked some chicks.

Briscoe

They looked young though.

Briscoe

(subtitles)

I think they may have been underage.

The cellphone guy approaches the trio.

CELLPHONE GUY

When was the canal you spoke of built again? I didn't hear that.

tour guide

Between 1920 and 1942, all because of the Canado-Australian war that I was talking about.

TOUR GUIDE

(subtitles)

I'm bullshitting - but hey - how are you to know any different? Oh, and I think you're a cock-sucker.

TOUR GUIDE

(subtitles)

Cock-sucker.

Wes 

Ohh, I get it.

CELLPHONE GUY

Get what?

Wes 

Nothing.

Wes 

(subtitles)

Nothing. [1 second delay] Cock-sucker.

Briscoe

Yeah, now you got it.

cellphone guy

Got what?

TOUR GUIDE

Dick.

TOUR GUIDE

(subtitles)

Dick.

The cellphone guy leaves, perplexed.

Briscoe

Cellphone karma. Oh, and here's Emo kid. He's there every cruise.

Briscoe pokes his head out the window. He motions his keys on his wrists pretending to slit them

Briscoe

(shouting)

Remember that it's down the road, not across the street!

emo kid

Fuck you!!

The emo kid raises his middle finger to the boat. Briscoe and the tour guide laugh.

Briscoe

Haha... That never gets old. Hey, starboard!

They look over. There's a hot chick tanning on the grounds off to their side.

EXT. DOCKS.

Wes comes down and off the boat.

Parker 

So you think you can be a captain?

Wes 

Yeah, I think I can get the hang of it.

Parker 

Good. I want you on the next cruise too. Get those guys to train on how to work the ship, okay?

Wes 

Alright.

Wes leaves to go back to the sales kiosk. Briscoe and the tour guide are there, as is Rob - busy measuring weed, rolling up joints.

EXT. SALES KIOSK.

Briscoe and the tour guide are finishing up a conversation about how porn movies look fake (esp when black actors are thrown in.)

Briscoe/TOUR GUIDE

[Impromptu conversation of upmanship on how violently drunk each can be worse than the other. Or alternatively: impromptu conversation on how porn movies look fake.]

Wes 

I don't get how you can be doing that in broad daylight. That it's weed is bad enough, but out here? On front of everyone?

A man runs up, panting. He has a bunch of cameras hanging from his neck.

thief

Man, where can I go hide! The cops are after me!

Rob 

Three streets down, two streets to the left.

thief

Thanks man!

The thief runs off.

Briscoe

That was weird.

Another man runs up.

mall security

Where did he go!? The guy with the cameras around his neck - where did he go?

Rob 

Three streets down, two streets to the left.

MALL SECURITY

What?

The mall security guy runs off.

Rob 

Anyways Wes, you need to chill.

Rob feeds a bird some weed; it goes on a crazy worm-eating binge.

Rob 

This is an easy job. You drive boats for part of the day, come here, relax - that's about it. If you keep stressing out though, Dock Fever will get to you.

wes

Dock Fever?

Rob 

Yeah, Dock Fever. See those guys?

Rob points to homeless people.

Rob 

They used to work for this company. That's what Dock Fever did to them. Learn to relax.

Leah comes by.

LEAH

Hey guys; Briscoe. I've run out of pamphlets - think you could spare a few?

Wes looks at her - corny 80s music plays.

Briscoe

What, you're using our pamphlets now?

LEAH

Hey man - the tourists just see the pretty pictures, and then they come to me. So whether I use pamphlets from your boat company instead of mine - it doesn't matter.

Wes tries to vocalize something.

LEAH

Mmmm?

Wes backs out.

Wes 

Ah... Nothing.

LEAH

Okay.

The shady guy comes up.

SHADY GUY

Hey... Psst... You guys want some cameras? How about a police baton?

Briscoe

No thanks man.

SHADY GUY

You guys are loosing out.

LEAH

Does he come by often?

Rob 

A few times a day.

LEAH

Weird. Anyways, got to head. Peace.

TOUR GUIDE

Peace.

Leah walks off.

Wes 

Think Leah would ever consider someone like me?

Briscoe

She could. When was your last girlfriend?

WES

Never really had one.

briscoe

What? Whoa. Really?

WES

Yeah. Really.

Briscoe

Well, let me tell you that this is all an art. Don't do what Gabe does and only care about third base. Truth be known, magic is all over first base - talking to her, getting to know her.

Wes 

Hrmm...

tour guide

Look, she's having a kegger tomorrow night. You should come - it would be the perfect chance for you to talk to her. Maybe more?

WES

Nahh I couldn't go unless she invited me. I can't just let myself in.

tour guide

Suure you could, even-

Parker runs up.

Parker

We got Asians!

Briscoe

I'll take care of it.

Briscoe runs off. He mounts a "Washroom out of Order" sign on the bathroom door. Briscoe runs back. On his way back, he passes by a restaurant worker that is taking a smoke break.

restaurant worker

Hey dude, what's up?

Briscoe

Asians on their way.

The restaurant worker quickly drops his cigarette and puts it out.

restaurant worker

What? Oh shit. Thanks for the heads up.

The restaurant worker goes inside to his restaurant, and quickly talks to the manager. He then puts up a "Bathroom closed for Repairs" sign on his washroom doors.

A still panoramic outdoor shot of the city is taken. Sounds of masking tape being stretched and nails being hammered are heard.

wes

Asians? What?

Rob 

Asians and bathrooms don't mix. Let's leave it at that.

A man comes down.

bus driver

Hey, Rob, it's been a while. How you doing?

Rob 

Good Steve. You're the bus driver for the Asian group I take it?

BUS DRIVER

Yeah. Is it alright if we drop them over here?

Rob 

Sure.

bus driver

Okay, I'll let their group leader know.

Rob 

Did you lock the washroom doors on your bus?

BUS DRIVER

Oh shit no - I forgot!

The bus driver runs off, onto the bus. He opens the washroom door, and the theme from Psycho plays.

bus driver

JESUS CHRIST!

The next shot is of the asian tour leader coming up. He is himself, asian.

asian tour leader

Hey, I'm the leader for the group?

Rob just looks up, and stares.

ASIAN TOUR LEADER

You must be Rob. Well - they're on their way. And don't forget - they want the tour guide to do his speech.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.

asian tour leader

I fucking hate Asian people.

The director speaks in mumble-ish.

asian tour leader

Me? Nah I'm not asian. I'm jewish! Do my eyes look asian to you? Huh? Do I look like I have a small dick? Is that what you're saying? That I have a small dick, prick? That's right.

EXT. docks.

tour guide

So, it's your turn to do the commentary and my turn to drive.

Briscoe

How about if I cancel the money you owe for the E you bought off of me the other day?

tour guide

But this is a... group. Let me think about it.

(pause)

tour guide

Okay. I'll do it. But can we RPS for who has to do the safety demonstration?

Briscoe

Sure. Best two of three?

TOUR GUIDE

Let's do it.

Briscoe

Hold on, hold on.

Briscoe takes a deep breath.

BRISCOE

Okay.

Briscoe

One, two, three.

Briscoe wins. He takes a deep breath, spins around.

Briscoe

Let's do it. One, two -

Gabe comes into the scene.

gabe

Hey I got one for you!

tour guide

Save your breath, Gabe. You'll need it to blow up your girlfriend.

gabe

It's Cigarette! (Gabe raises his middle finger.) Get it?

Briscoe

We get it Gabe, very funny.

tour guide

What the hell are you even doing here?

gabe

I'm going to Tim Horton's - because /we/ get our 15 minute breaks losers!

Briscoe

Tim Horton's is that way, idiot.

Briscoe points the opposite direction from which Gabe is heading.

gabe

(indignant)

Yeah, I know.

Briscoe

(to Tour Guide)

So where were we? Oh yeah: (Briscoe breathes in/out very fast) One, two, three.

INT. TOUR BOAT.

Briscoe and Wes are at the front of the boat.

Briscoe

So the controls of this are pretty simple. This is your throttle and is what controls your gears. There's only two gears: forward, and reverse. Then there's neutral. And now it's time to go.

Briscoe

Are the Asians all on?

Wes 

(looks back)

Looks like it.

Briscoe takes the two-way radio.

Briscoe

All clear?

Parker 

(on radio)

All clear.

Briscoe

(to Wes)

And we're off.

The shot shifts over to the tour guide.

tour guide

Hello ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce myself - I'm going to be your tour guide on this cruise.

(pause)

tour guide

You guys... don't speak English do you. If you speak English - please raise your hands.

(pause)

tour guide

No... one. Okay - good day ladies and gentlemen, my name is Cobra Commander, and with us as captain we have GI Joe. We'll be taking you guys down the cruise today.

The shot reverts to Wes and Briscoe.

Wes 

So what is it with Rob anyways?

Briscoe

You mean why doesn't he talk much?

wes

Yeah.

Briscoe

It's Rob! That's just how he is. He's been like that for as long as I've known him. He'll open up though once you know him.

wes

Still though - like isn't the entire point of working in that kiosk is to deal with people? And they get Rob to do it? A guy who - if he doesn't just stand there and stare blankly at people, deals out drugs?

The shot reverts to the tour guide.

tour guide

On your right, we have the German Embassy. That's also where a whale came out and ate my leg.

The shot goes back to Briscoe and Wes.

Briscoe

Well, what Rob didn't deal weed? What would change? The people who got the weed would still get it somewhere else. Rob would have less money, I'd have less weed on my hands, and this place would be a whole lot less cool.

wes

Still...

Briscoe

No, I get what you mean about this. But once you realize how chill this place is - you'll see that there's no reason to get upset about anything. At the end of the day, we still get the money, and the tourists still get their tour. Plus, what will getting upset accomplish? You're not going to change Rob.

The shot goes back to the tour guide.

tour guide

(pretending to be televangelist)

And Christ, our lord and saviour, showed us all the way to salvation! And you non-believers ought to convert now, or else you /will/ face the depths of eternal hell. Don't get me wrong - God is a nice guy, but he doesn't tolerate traitors. And that's what you will all be if you don't follow the path set for us by the one and true Lord. Become Christian today! Or Jewish. Because Jews are okay too.

Wes settles by a seat, and pears out the window. The emo kid is there, playing air guitar. He sees the boat, and raises his middle finger.

Wes sighs, looks the other way. There's an old man in an electric wheelchair - he's going faster than the boat.

Briscoe sits down beside Wes, on one of the benches.

Briscoe

Going pretty slow eh?

wes

What? Who's driving the boat?

Briscoe

Oh I got it covered.

The next shot is of a piece of masking tape keeping the wheel centered. Wes has a panic-stricken face.

wes

You guys are insane! All of you... Aren't you the least bit worried? Do you not have some shred of moral fiber that you feel you're violating right now?

Briscoe

Nope.

Wes has a look of disbelief. The tour guide sits down.

tour guide

You know, you really shouldn't rely on that piece of masking tape as an autopilot.

Briscoe

Hasn't failed me yet. How was the tour?

tour guide

They didn't speak English. At all.

Briscoe

Ah yes - the "we demand that the tour guide speaks to our group, even though all our guys are from China and don't understand any English" tours. Hey, can you explain to Wes how our complete disregard for passenger safety and moral ethics here is okay?

tour guide

Wes - it's okay. We're actually quite responsible people, and no one's been hurt because of us. So you just have to learn to relax, and trust us a bit. Get away from those perceptions of how things /should/ be run, and you'll see how things still manage to happen smoothly here.

Wes

Still.

As Wes is speaking, an Asian sneaks into the bathroom, despite the "Washroom out of order" sign.

Wes 

You know... It's just...

An explosion is heard.

Briscoe

What was that?

wes

Shouldn't you know?

TOUR GUIDE

It seemed to come from the Engine room. I'll check it out.

The tour guide leaves.

ext. tour boat deck.

The tour guide opens the hatch at the back of the ship - water jets out. He quickly closes the hatch.

int. tour boat.

tour guide

Do we have duct tape on board? The pipe from the water pump to the toilet blew - we're taking in water pretty bad.

Briscoe

Check the cupboard at the back.

The tour guide goes to the back, into the cupboard - gets the duck tape.

ext. tour boat deck.

The tour guide opens the hatch to the engine room again and goes down. More water jets out. The camera never goes into the engine room itself, but rather looks at things from the rear deck.

int. tour boat.

WES

Shouldn't we get to the coast or something?

Briscoe

Nah - this is the third time that this happens this year.

TOUR GUIDE

(wet)

It's not enough - the duct tape won't stick to where the leak is on the pipe. We need like a small bag or something waterproof to cover the leak, and get the duct tape around it.

WES

Where will we find that?

Brisco holds up his small bag of weed, and shows it to the other two.

tour guide

That'll do it.

EXT. TOUR BOAT DECK.

The tour guide goes down the hatch. Briscoe and Wes are standing by.

WES

Do you think it'll really work?

Briscoe

I hope so.

wes

How can you be so calm about this?

Briscoe

Well - I had nowhere to put the weed that was in that bag. So I just ate it.

WES

You what?

The tour guide comes out of the hatch. He gives a thumbs up.

tour guide

It worked! I'm a little worried about the heat in the engine room though - I think that plus the weed residue in the bag we used might just turn this entire boat into one massive bong.

Briscoe

You've got too much imagination.

int. tour boat.

The boat is moving forward. There's a silence for about 5 seconds as the crew is piloting the boat.

wes

You smell that?

Briscoe

Noo... it couldn't be...

EXT. TOUR BOAT.

Shots show the boat from the outside. A CG rainbow of THC follows the back of the boat.

INT. TOUR BOAT.

WES

(laughing)

This is so stupid. And the best part is - the group is so oblivious to it all! All cruise, they've just been sitting there. I mean, why should I worry! They're not.

An Asian man approaches the crew, laughing hysterically. He moves off.

Briscoe

That was so random.

tour guide

Random man - just like Archimedes and the crazy abstract mathematical formulations he devised!

Briscoe

Whoa.

WES

That was um...

tour guide

Random?

Briscoe

(laughs)


int. interview room.

Briscoe, Wes, and the tour guide are all there. Laughing hysterically.

WES

Haha - look at the cameraman. He looks scared.

Briscoe

Hey boi - want a taste of my nipple? No? How about...

Briscoe goes to lower his pants. The camera shakes off to the side before anything is seen, and footsteps are heard running off.

ext. docks.

The crew come off the boat laughing.

tour guide

Hey Wes - it's our supper break now. We have about an hour and a half off.

wes

Okay.

Briscoe

Hey, I heard that a strip joint over on York Street has got a free buffet - the only catch is that you need to buy a drink. Want to come?

tour guide

Sure. I didn't even know there was a joint there.

Rob approaches.

Briscoe

Hey Rob - we're going off to a strip club for supper. Want to come? They got free food.

ROB

Sure.

A squirrel by Rob's side is holding a doobie to it's mouth, apparently smoking it. It coughs pretty badly.

tour guide

Wes?

wes

(laissez-faire voice)

Yeah, sure. Why not.

Kyle comes up along with Jake.

kyle

Hey Wes, do you have a lighter we could use?

wes

Actually - yeah I do.

kyle

You don't smoke though do you?

wes

Nah. Here you go. Hey, you aren't coming with us for the supper break?

Kyle

No, I got something I want to try.

wes

Ok. See ya later.

EXT. strip club.

Rob, Tour Guide, Wes, and Briscoe approach the strip club.

Briscoe

Why have I never heard of this place before?

INT. STRIP CLUB.

The tour guide is getting his plate of food from the buffet. A ripped guy is on the strip floor.

TOUR GUIDE

Wait - what kind of strip club is this?

male stripper

What kind do you think, sailor man?

The male stripper takes his (sweaty) shirt off, and throws it on the face of the tour guide.

EXT. STRIP CLUB.

The four workers are seen walking out the door of the club.

briscoe

Well, how was I supposed to know? I just saw a flyer with the words "free buffet" and "strippers" in the same sentence!

tour guide

The place was called "The Cock Range"!

Briscoe

Well I didn't see you say anything when we went in?

Wes

Where's Kyle?

They all stop. Briscoe goes back in. Next shot is of kyle out with a plate of food.

kyle

Yeah, I knew. Whatever - it was good food.

EXT. COMPETITOR'S SALES KIOSK.

Gabe is inside the kiosk with another co-worker, and Leah is outside resting her elbow on the kiosk's counter. Gabe is holding up a newspaper.

gabe

Okay, you're a Sagittarius? Yeah, for you it says "Look for opportunities in unlikely places - the payoffs will be most rewarding."


Leah, what are you?

leah

(uninterested)

Leo.

GABE

For you it says: "Watch out for this guy Gabe. He's really hot, and if you're lucky you could be sleeping with him tonight." And if you think I'm great - wait until you see El Rodrigez (points down there.)

leah

Nice, Gabe. I'm going for my break. See you later.

gabe

You can't leave now! The break isn't for another three minutes!

ext. byward market.

The crew stops to admire the Byward market. The camera shows shots of the market: the fruit market, the wares sellers, the farmhouse.

tour guide

Split up and meet up in ten?

rob

Sounds good.

Music plays in the background. The camera shows Rob to the side of a fry shack as he buys a poutine, with the poutine handed down to him. Wes is inside a Lebanese take-out joint, buying a shawarma. The camera shows a shot of the condiments and of the Arab man putting them on the shawarma. Briscoe is buying some fruits from the market. The tour guide is inspecting some bracelets being sold.

The music is still playing. The four hook up. Briscoe gives a nod to Leah, who is just arriving. They eat at a bend; Leah takes her lunch. They all talk and laugh.

Stop-motion shots of the traffic in the Byward market indicates a passage of time. The music stops.

BRISCOE

What now?

tour guide

(looks at watch)

We still have plenty of time. Want to just chill around?

briscoe

Sounds good. Guys? Leah?

Leah

Sounds good to me man.

Briscoe starts to run. The others follow. The music starts up again.

ext. downtown Ottawa.

The camera is stationary on front of The Beer Store. The crew run by, to off-screen. They walk back, stop, and salute.

The crew pulls off an Abbey-road style crossing.

The crew is seen putting money down and cheering as two homeless individuals brawl under the bridge near Rideau Mall.

The crew run by the US Embassy.

The crew walks by a Women clothes store. Briscoe walks back and peers inside the window. Gabe is trying on women's lingerie.

int. women's clothes store

gabe

It's for Leah!

Leah, unseen by Gabe, has a surprised look on her face.

briscoe

Sure man, sure.

Gabe returns to trying on the bra.

ext. parliament hill

The crew is sitting on the grounds of Parliament Hill, side by side. The order: Rob, Leah, Briscoe, Tour Guide, Wes. They each have a beaver tail at their side. Rob lights up a doobie, takes a few puffs, and passes it on to the person to his right.

briscoe/tour guide/rob/wes/leah

[Impromptu discussion on penis sunburns, the advantages of owning breath alcohol indicators, logistics of double-anal fisting, etc.]

The joint gets to Wes.

WES

Nah, I don't think I could. I don't do drugs.

briscoe

C'mon - you sort of did some already earlier today right? On the boat? You can do it.

WES

What about all the cops around us though?

BRISCOE

Pff.. Think they care? They'd smoke it with us if they could.

leah

Yeah man, you have nothing to worry about.

WES

Okay.

Wes takes a puff. He starts to cough viciously, and passes it on. The tour guide nudges him on the side.

TOUR GUIDE

(quietly)

I thought you were interested in Leah?

wes

I am.

tour guide

Why don't you talk to her? Now's your chance.

wes

Ahh... I can't. I mean what if she doesn't like me or something?

tour guide

Nah, she's too cool for that.

WES

Still...

tour guide

What's the worse that could happen? She won't shoot you down just like that - she's not that kind of person. She's not psychotic either, and those are the ones you have to watch out for.

wes

What do you mean?

tour guide

Like there's this girl I dated once. I think this was on our third date - she invited me over to her place. Anyways I show up.

int. crazy girl's apartment.

The tour guide's voice over of "shh - I have a secret", and the girl's saying of the same thing are synced.

tour guide

(voice over)

I ring her doorbell a few times, but no answer. So just as I'm about to leave, she opens the door. But she's all weird-like, and she whispers "shhh - I have a secret." So she brings me up to her room, and she opens her closet door. There's a fucking 6 year old kid in the closet. She then slapped the closet shut. Apparently, she thought that the kid was a midget from the Wizard of Oz or some shit. So she just abducted him from the local park.

EXT. PARLIAMENT HILL.

WES

What?

tour guide

Yeah, it was pretty messed up. So I dated her a few more times after that, but the relationship quickly fell apart.

wes

That is fucked up shit.

leah

What?

wes

Oh we were just talking.

Wes freezes. The SFX of a clock ticking with strong reverberation is heard ("tick tock tick".)

LEAH

What? Speak up!

wes

Umm so Leah.. umm.. (Takes deep breath.) Why did you take this job here?

The other employees bury their heads in their hand.

LEAH

Good money. I want to travel to Zambia after this to do some humanitarian work with a local agency. That starts in October, and this job here finishes in the beginning of October, which is just perfect.

Wes nods. The music resumes, and the group is seen chatting.

ext. parliament hill gates.

The crew walk off, chatting and laughing. Leah splits off from the group.

leah

Don't forget guys! Kegger tomorrow night! Everyone's invited - you too Wes!

WES

Thanks!

LEAH

See ya guys!

BRISCOE/TOUR GUIDE/ROB/WES

Cheers!

Wes is ecstatic at being invited to the kegger. He has a huge smile.

tour guide

So what was that about? I thought you were going to ask her out?

wes

I froze. I couldn't think. But I got invited to the kegger! Now what's a kegger?

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.

Kyle and Jake are inside the interview room.

kyle

So we were supposed to pull off a prank at the other company's booth: light off a firecracker. All we needed to do was get rid of Gabe for a few minutes, which was easy to do.

int. photocopy shop.

Kyle is seen photocopying a hand-drawn advertisement which indicates for that one hour, and today only, a local sex shop is handing out free blow up dolls. The camera focuses on the output coming out of the machine.

EXT. COMPETITOR'S SALES KIOSK.

Jake drops the advert on the counter of the sale's kiosk as Gabe is looking away. Gabe turns around, looks about but doesn't see Jake. He grabs the advert. A surprised look overtakes his face, and Gabe runs off.

Kyle lights the firecracker, and throws it in the kiosk.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.

KYLE

There was a little screw up though.

Jake looks at Kyle with an incredulous stare.

kyle

...The firecracker we used kind of burnt down their booth.

EXT. COMPETITOR'S SALES KIOSK.

Smoldering ruins of wood are shown on-camera. A cop is at the scene, talking on his radio.

EXT. SALES KIOSK.

Wes and the gang are getting back.

KYLE

Wes, promise you won't get upset.

wes

What?

kyle

Well, I accidentally burnt down the booth of the other company.

WES

(worried)

Uhh...

kyle

But um... that's not what I thought you'd get mad about. And its not so much even the fact that I used your lighter to do it.

wes

WHAT?

kyle

It's that, I'm pretty sure I left it there. Your lighter. I think I left it over where their booth burnt down.

Wes looks at Kyle. His voice is of a higher intonation due to the fact that he's scared shitless.

Wes

So... get it back?!

KYLE

I can't. A cop guy just showed up there with a police dog.

WES

No, I don't care - get it!

KYLE

I can't! If I go over there, for sure they'll think it's us!

Wes is in shock. His eyes are wide, his mouth slightly open. He is hyperventilating - victim of an anxiety attack.

ROB

Here, how about I give you a bit of weed. That'll get the edge off.

Rob takes out a small bag of weed.

wes

What? No! I should of never listened to you guys! Fuck! FUCK! I should have never done this shit! Or be with you guys! What was I thinking!

Wes takes the bag of weed from Rob's hands, and throw it on the ground.

EXT. COMPETITOR'S SALES KIOSK.

The nose of the dog perks up - it sniffed the weed in the air. It starts running. The cop, surprised, goes after the dog.

ext. sale's kiosk.

Wes sees the cop dog run over here. The cop is behind.

wes

Ah shit!

Wes runs off. The bitchy French customers are back, albeit with their clothes torn up. They are slightly disoriented. Rob takes the bag of weed from the ground, kisses it, and places it in the vest pocket of the lady.

The dog jumps the lady (still shot of dog mid-jump in the air.) The cop arrives, panting. He sees the weed poking up from the vest pocket, and promptly cuffs her.

cop

You are under arrest for possession of drugs, with the intent of selling to these minors here. You have the right to remain silent.

BITCHY FRENCH man

Marie!!

Kyle goes by the crime scene, and retrieves the lighter.

kyle

Sweet.

The camera follows Wes, as he runs.

WES

I should have never listened to you!!!

Wes closes his eyes. He hits a pole, and gets knocked out. Rob runs up.

rob

You okay man? Wes? Wes?

Rob checks Wes' pulse and breath. The camera shifts upwards to show the protagonists that are running towards the scene.

Briscoe, Kyle, Jake, and the Tour Guide run on scene.

briscoe

Should we cal 911?

ROB

He's knocked out. Just... I think it would be best to hold wait a few minutes, and if he doesn't wake up - then call the hospital.

tour guide

I don't know man. What if he's more hurt than that? Brain hemorrhage or something? He hit his head pretty hard.

rob

And what if we do bring him? Then the hospital will find the THC in his blood, and then it's over for him. They'll have to call the cops, and he'll have to go to court. And then, what do you think he'll say?

briscoe

Jesus. Does that even matter here? I'm going to call 911.

rob

It's his life we're going to ruin if you're wrong. Give me ten minutes. If by then nothing happens, we bring him in. 

Briscoe contemplates for a second.

briscoe

Five minutes. You have five minutes.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.

WES

Yeah, wow. I had this really weird dream. I was at my childhood home... and my mom was there along side my third grade teacher, Mr. Morrison.

ext. wes' childhood home.

Effects are applied in post-production to make the visuals feel surreal. Wes is outside a house. Wes' mom appears in the clouds above.

WES

Mo---mom?

wes' Mother

Hey Wes. How are you honey?

wes

Good mom. I had a good day at school. Where's dad?

wes' Mother

He's right there honey.

WES

Where? Behind Mr. Morrison?

wes' Mother

No honey, right there.

wes

I don't see him.

wes' Mother

Yes you do.

wes

No... No I don't.

wes' Mother

Anyways that doesn't matter. Wes, I want to talk to you about something important.

WES

What?

Animated stripes pass by.

wes' mother

Frankly, I think you're too anal for your own good. Life is short, Wes. Too short, and you don't want to let it fly you by without having lived it. You're young Wes, you're supposed to go to parties, do drugs, and screw 40 year old washed up Russian-speaking male prostitutes.

WES

What?

WES' MOTHER

Wes, when you get back home, look at the photos from when I was younger. Count the ones where I'm not actually on some mind-altering drug. You'll see, Wes, that it's a small percentage. Remembere, life is too short, and you don't want to die with regrets of the things you never did.

Wes' mother fades from the clouds.

WES

Mr. Morrison, what are you still doing here?

Mr. Morrison is shaking his hand in a rapid motion, facing away from Wes.

mr. morrison

Oh, just spreading my seed in your mom's bush.

Wes

What?

Mr. Morrison turns around, showing that he is in fact, spreading plant seeds.

EXT. SALES KIOSK.

Wes is unconscious, laying flat on his back on an outdoor bench. Rob, Kyle, Jake, the Tour Guide and Briscoe are there.

rob

I can't believe it. This kid is any parent's wet dream - he didn't even know what a kegger was. Had never touched weed. And now look at him. Shit... It's been more than five minutes - I'm calling 911. Fuck.

Wes grunts. Rob turns around, and helps prop Wes up.

rob

Wes, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Wes begins to laugh.

WES

It's... it's all cool bud. All cool. I just had the craziest dream.

Leah comes down the stairs nearby.

LEAH

What the fuck happened? Our booth is totally burnt down!

WES

Le..ah.

leah

What? Wes - are you alright?

wes

Been better. (Wes jolts) Ahh - my head.

The crew help Wes to his feet.

wes

How about we get out of here - I'll fill you in - but let's just get out of here. Somewhere where we're not close to any crime scene, and where a dog didn't just jump an elderly lady. Say, Parliament Hill?

LEAH

(incredulously)

What the hey! The day couldn't get any weirder as is anyways. Need some help there buddy?

wes

I'll be fine. Thanks.

A homeless man, with an acoustic guitar, walks up.

briscoe

Hey look, it's Joe Malackay, famous musician!

joe malackay

Well boys, it looks like you learned your lessons. Rob and the gang, you learned just how damaging your irresponsibility could be - for irresponsibility under the guise of fun is what it has always been. Wes, you learned to open up. And Leah, you may have just found that special guy you were always looking for. As for me-

Parker walks on the set.

Parker 

What the fuck is happening here? (At the homeless man) Who the fuck are you?! Get out of here. Scoot! As for you guys - what the fuck is this with the fire on the other side? And what are you doing here? (Looking at Leah.)

rob

Well...

Parker 

No, I don't want to hear about it Rob. I'm sick of this shit. Don't think I never knew what kind of monkey show you were all pulling off for months now. But this is too much. You're all fired.

briscoe

But...

parker

No buts. You're all fired. Get out.

Gabe comes by.

Gabe

Hey "dawgs", looks like being losers finally caught up to you! Uh-huh! Oh and Leah... I thought we had something going. But you preferred being with these dopes. You were just the same as they are. So I talked to Joe - and you're now fired! Buh-bye. Mrmpgnn!

Gabe raises his fist. Briscoe looks at Leah.

LEAH

Meh. I was going to quit anyways. I fucking hated working for those douche bags.

INT. tour boats. night.

The end credits roll by. There's footage supplementing the credits: It's night, and the crew (Rob, Wes, Tour Guide, Briscoe, Leah, Kyle and Jake) sneak into one of the tour boats. They're smoking weed.

There's a street kid sitting on the stairs opposite to them.

BRISCOE

Haha... Look at that loser kid. What if we just pointed at them to piss them off?

Another kid comes down.

tour guide

Go right ahead. This is a one-sided window. You can see them, they can't see you!

briscoe

Oh yeah, awesome.

tour guide

Look at that kid! Wow.

Another few come down. Wes takes a few puffs.

WES

Oh, here's another poser!

More kids.

kyle

That staircase is getting pretty full boys.

briscoe

Yep, that's alot of them. Hehe I can point at them and say shit. Give them the fingers.

eXt. tour boat. night.

The camera looks inwards at the boat. Everyone is fully visible.

int. tour boat. night.

rob

Wait... I don't think these are one-way windows.

(pause)

BRISCOE

Shit. Umm... you guys are for heading over to the nearest pub? Quickly?

The guys all quickly dismount from their position near the windows.

end credits.

The end credits continue rolling. Big thanks to: Paul's Boatlines. Special Thanks: Phone Losers of America, Geek Love Radio, Pat, Alex, Briscoe, Nate, thej3w, the "real" Rob.

INT. TV NEWS ROOM.

The end credits continue rolling.

news reporter

...Police describe the criminal assailant as being black. In other news, a kiosk of a local boat tour company was found burnt to the ground today. When our cameras presented themselves on-scene however, they found something else. Simon Mercer has the full story. Simon?

Simon

Yes, Joan - When we showed up to cover the story, one of the employees of that company was apparently busy fornicating with a tree. Here's the footage.

The footage shows Gabe humping a tree.

Simon

It gets too graphic, and we had to cut the rest out.

NEWS REPORTER

Shocking. We have all types in this world, eh?

SIMON

Indeed we do.

At the end of the credits, there's a fade in-out of:

For Steve, Mike, Paul, and Eduardo.

ext. bench.

This is post-credits. Leah, Wes, Briscoe, Rob, the Tour Guide, Kyle and Jake are all sitting on a bench. None of them are in their work shirts.

briscoe

It sucks that we got fired.

rob

Yeah. No more selling weed over the counter.

The tour guide gets up, climbs into a double decker bus. Rob goes into the bus company's kiosk. Kyle and Jake grab some flyers. Wes and Briscoe climb into the bus, and Briscoe sits in the driver's seat.

Wes

Eh well.

tour guide

Good day ladies and gentlemen, and I would like to welcome on this wonderful tour today!

THE END.