DISCLAIMER
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Based on a true story.
Followed by...
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The stories, characters and situations depicted in this film
and in all associated materials with this film are entirely fictional, and any
resemblance with real life characters or events is purely coincidental.
EXt. DOWNTOWN OTTAWA.
Rob is cleaning the main ticket-selling kiosk for the company
he works for, "Happy Sunshine Boat Tours." As he does so, the credits appear in
an organic manner. Rob is wearing sunglasses.
Rob opens the flaps of the kiosk - the credits appear in
behind. Rob meticulously cleans the dust from the interior of the kiosk, only
to indiscriminately dump the dust bin's contents into the canal. The credits
appear in an
organic fashion in the disturbed water.
The camera then follows WES, the main protagonist. Paper in
hand, Wes goes by the main sites of downtown Ottawa. The credits fade in and
out in the bottom right corner of the screen. Wes passes on front of Parliament
Hill, and passes by Naive Tourists. The camera then follows the Naive Tourists.
In the next shot, the Naive Tourists are in the Byward Market. They pass by two
individuals, hanging by the wall of a building, Kyle and Jake.
Kyle
Let's go.
The camera follows WES, who sees now the main ticket-selling
kiosk. The next shot is of the kiosk - the Naive Tourists are there too. They
try to approach the flaps, but Rob puts a chair in their way. They go to the
door - but Rob puts a small filing cabinet in their way. They are evidently
trying to make contact, and Rob is evidently purposefully oblivious. They
approach another side of the kiosk - but Rob just shuts the flap. Frustrated,
they leave. Wes comes into the shot.
A sign on Rob's kiosk reads:
PLEASE
DON'T THROW YOUR CIGARETTE
BUTTS ON THE GROUND
THE COCKROACHES ARE GETTING CANCER
EXT. SALES KIOSK.
wes
Hello?
ROB
[says nothing, is looking down.]
Wes
Hi?
Rob looks up at WES, but still says nothing.
Wes
Um... This is Happy Sunshine Boat Tours, right?
Rob keeps looking.
wes
I was told to show up here this morning? I'm the new guy -
I'm supposed to be training
to become a captain on one of the tour boats for the summer?
(pause)
Wes
Do you think that I'm at the right place?
Rob shrugs.
Wes
Do you talk at all?
Rob just keeps staring, without movement.
Wes
Okay... Is there someone else I can talk to?
Rob shrugs.
Wes
Is this your only booth?
Rob says nothing.
Wes
Oh c'mon! What should I do then?
Rob looks at a box holding pamphlets in-behind Wes. Wes turns
around, sees them, and turns back to give an incredulous look to Rob.
int. interview room.
Wes is sitting in a chair, motioning around as he gets
comfortable, in an undisclosed location. In the
background is a hanging black cloth.
Wes
So you guys are making a documentary about the tourist scene?
That's pretty neat.
The camera is slightly displaced, indicating a small passage
of time. The director is heard speaking in the background, though his voice is
muffled/indiscernible.
Wes
Yeah, you could say I'm stressed. Here I am on my
first day, trying to make a good impression - and I don't even know if I'm at
the right place. I tried calling the manager who had hired me, but I think
his cellphone is off or something. And I have no idea what the fu... can I say
that on-camera?
The director speaks in mumblish.
wes
Yeah. And I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with that
guy at
the kiosk either. Seriously. He hasn't said anything once.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.
Rob is sitting in the chair. He just looks at the camera,
says nothing.
EXT. SALES KIOSK.
Wes is handing out pamphlets. Parker's car arrives by the
kiosk, stops. Parker gets out his car.
Wes
Hello? My name is Wes, I'm here for the job as captain?
Parker
You the new kid? What's your name son?
Wes
(slightly perplexed)
Wes, sir. I'm here for the job as captain?
Parker
Captain! Captain? Do we look like we need more captains?
Wes moves his lips as if to answer, but is speechless.
Parker
You're going to be a ticket seller, like Rob over there.
Kyle and Jake walk up to the sales kiosk.
Parker
These guys will train you up there on the street. Kyle, Jake,
this is Will. Jake by the way is mute, so don't expect him to handle the
talking to customers.
Jake waves a hello to Wes.
Wes
Wes.
PARKER
No, his name is Jake.
wes
No, I mean my name is Wesley. Not Will.
PARKER
Are you trying to be smart with me kid?
wes
No, sir - just telling you my name.
parker
Good. We have enough smart asses here already. Now go on the
streets.
EXT. WELLINGTON STREET BRIDGE.
kyle
So, Wes, how did you land this job? Did you bang
Parker's daughter too?
WES
No. What's-
Jake is pulling a card out of a deck.
kyle
That's Jake's pack of cards. He uses it to talk to people
that don't understand sign language.
The card that Jake pulls out shows a younger person making love to an older lady.
kyle
Jake was wondering if it's because you had banged Parker's
wife.
wes
(disgusted)
God, no. What the hell?
Jake pulls out another card. It shows a man giving a blowjob
to another.
kyle
That one means-
wes
No, I get it. I went to a summer job fair at the university
last week. They pretty much hired me on the spot. That was it. No sex with
anyone. Not with Parker's daughter. Not with his wife. Not with him. Jesus.
Kyle
Whoa. You're the first person hired by this
company that isn't somehow related to Parker. Take Rob - he's Parker's nephew.
The camera splits to Rob, who is pulling weights in the sales
kiosk. It reverts back to Kyle.
kyle
And both Jake and I have dated and banged Parker's
daughter... At the same time.
Jake adopts a big grin and nods.
EXT. WELLINGTON STREET BRIDGE.
Stop-motion photography of tourists passing by the
ticketsellers, indicating the passage of time. Though this shot focuses on Wes,
Kyle, and Jake, it is taken from a much greater distance.
EXT. WELLINGTON STREET BRIDGE.
Kyle
The secret to this job is to do the minimum amount
of work, while making it seem like you're working as hard as everyone else. Or
as hard as, say *that* guy.
Kyle points to Gabe, a worker for the opposing company. Gabe
is across the street, trying to pass pamphlets onto uninterested pedestrians.
Wes
Is that another tour company?
Kyle
Yeah. They do boat tours too, and that there is Gabe, their
star employee. You don't get more of a pretty boy than that guy.
Kyle
(shouts)
Hey Gabe! I saw your girlfriend yesterday! She seemed a
little... out of breath?
Kyle does pumping motions with his hands, as he opens his
mouth in a taunting manner (ie. as if to eat a large cucumber.)
GABE
(shouts)
I don't have a girlfriend goat-fuckers!
Two old ladies witness the swearing, and are shocked.
Kyle chuckles.
Kyle
Yeah, Gabe is one of the sources of fun we have here at this company. I'd feel bad for him if it wasn't for the fact he's so stuck up.
(pause)
Kyle
Oh, I think he's got some customers. Look at how he's
buttering them up.
Gabe is showing two customers a pamphlet. He smiles as he
says something, and they laugh, though the conversation itself cannot be heard
from Kyle and Wes' position.
Kyle
I think they're coming over.
The two tourists start to walk over.
MALE TOURIST
Let's just check that other company out. I know you said it
looks like crap, and if that's the case then we'll just go for gay-boy over
there.
female tourist
Poker face?
Male tourist
Poker face.
The tourists approach, poker faced. They look at Wes.
FEMALE TOURIST
(unimpressed)
So what's the difference between your boat tours and theirs?
The tourist points to Gabe, who is enthusiastically at it
again.
Wes
Ahh...
Jake shrugs. Kyle interjects.
Kyle
They're pretty much the same. Both these tours are two hours
on the
river, and they see the same things, but our captains have a clean criminal
record.
MALE TOURIST
What do you mean?
Kyle
You don't... Of course you don't. You guys aren't from here
huh?
MALE TOURIST
No.
Kyle
Right: tourists. It makes sense. Well, a few years ago, their
main captain had his license
suspended because he was found driving under the influence.
Jake nods. Wes has his jaw dropped in disbelief.
Kyle
Yeah, he just walked off from the captain's cabin so he could
swiggle
one in the washroom. The boat then ran straight into shore.
FEMALE TOURIST
So, he doesn't drive anymore though right?
Kyle
That's the thing. He still does - he got his license back a
few weeks ago.
FEMALE TOURIST
Well, I'm sure he learned his lesson.
Kyle
Yeah, but while he was in the washroom - he also fondled a
boy. It could never be proven though because the boy died from AIDS some just
weeks before the trial was set to begin.
FEMALE TOURIST
Still...
Jake makes the motions of masturbating, in a matter-of-fact
way. Unsurprised, Kyle looks at it, as if it were sign language.
Kyle
Oh, and Jake's right - I almost forgot: our tickets are also
$1 cheaper.
MALE TOURIST
We'll go for it.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.
Kyle and Jake are both in the interview room.
Kyle
Jake and I have always worked together. Before this job, we
both were at a call center for a credit card company.
INT. CALL CENTER.
Kyle
(voiceover)
Jake is mute though, so things were rather interesting.
Still, we got our fun.
Jake is seen by a phone. A customer is complaining hard, and
Jake just keeps pressing the dial tone buttons repeatedly - which the customer
responds to by screaming. The camera shifts over to Kyle at his side.
Kyle
(on the phone)
Thank you for calling the Billing Department. If you're
calling to change your account details, please press 1. If you're calling to
report fraud, please press 2. (small pause) If you wish to speak to a customer
representative, please press 0.
A telephone touch tone is heard.
Kyle
We're sorry, we didn't understand that. Please press harder.
(pause)
Kyle
(shouting)
Press it harder!
The tone is heard again, for a slightly longer duration.
Kyle
Noo. Press longer damnit!
The tone is heard for a long time.
Kyle
Thank you. Please wait for the next available representative.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.
Kyle
We've both been working here for 6 months now.
Jake nods.
EXT. WELLINGTON STREET BRIDGE.
Kyle
Wes, what time is it?
Wes
Uh.. about 10:30.
Kyle
It's almost time.
Wes
Time for...?
Jake tugs Kyle, and points at two incoming tourists. They are
the same naive tourists as Rob dealt with in the first scene.
Kyle
Shit, they look interested in the tour. Jake - the mullet
trick?
Jake nods.
Naive Tourists
(to Kyle)
Excuse me?
Kyle
Mullet?
Naive Tourists
Excuse me?
Kyle
Mullet.
Naive Tourists
I don't understand what you mean?
Kyle
Mullet!
Naive Tourists
What does that mean? "Mullet"?
Kyle
Mulle-e-e-et.
Naive Tourists
Look, we want a boat tour here. How much will that cost?
Kyle
Mullet.
Naive Tourists
Sweet Mary.
Kyle
Mullet?
The tourist looks at Jake. Jake takes out pocket cards from
his pocket - flips through them. He takes out one with a picture of a mullet,
and shows it to the man.
naive tourists
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
The tourist, disgusted, looks at Wes. They leave.
Kyle
I thought they'd never leave. Let's go.
ext. wellington street.
Kyle, Wes, and Jake are walking down Wellington Street.
kyle
Wes, the mullet trick is the best way of getting rid of
unwanted customers, apart from swearing at them. But if we swear, then
Parker
gets complaints, so the Mullet trick is just better. Or you can do what Rob
does.
EXT. SALES KIOSK.
A customer approaches Rob. Rob sees them, and raises the
baseball bat in his hands, taping his other hand with it gently. The customer
turns around and walks away.
EXT. HIGH-RISE HOTEL WHICH SHALL
REMAIN NAMELESS.
Kyle, Jake, and Wes join Rob, the Captain (Briscoe), and the
Tour Guide
as they wait in line to the side of the hotel.
Kyle
Every morning, the Parliament's marching band comes downtown.
They make a lot of noise. But every time they pass by, there's always people
inside the hotel that are curious about all the sound. So they come to the
window. And that includes hot chicks that are still changing.
Wes
Wait - what?
Kyle
You'll see.
A marching band is heard distantly in the background.
Kyle
That's them... Now wait for it... wait for it...
Wes looks at the marching band. Kyle turns him around to face
the hotel. The crew looks up at the hotel's windows. A topless girl,
perhaps in her early/mid-twenties, appears by the window.
CAPTAIN
There we go! Third story, fourth window from the left!
Kyle
Not bad. 6.8/10?
CAPTAIN
Nah, you kidding? 7.5/10.
TOUR GUIDE
I call 7.4/10. You Jake?
Jake pulls out a calculator. He types in 7.8.
Kyle
7.8 from Jake. Wes? What's your call?
Wes
Ahh-
Wes is in disbelief.
Wes
Don't you guys have I don't know - girlfriends or something?
CAPTAIN
Yeah, but this is free boobage! Who would pass that up? Even
my girlfriend thinks this is a good idea.
Kyle
Okay, well the fun's over, and the boat's about to leave so
I'm going to head back. Wes?
Kyle prepares to leave, and Wes goes with him. Parker shows
up.
Parker
What are you doing in company uniform?
Wes
What do you mean? You gave this to me this morning.
Parker
No I didn't.
Wes
Um... yes you did.
Kyle
Parker, this is the new employee - Wes. He's supposed to be the new captain?
Parker
So what the hell are you doing here then?
Wes
Well you told me to-
Kyle
Your brother told him he was going to be a ticketseller
instead.
Parker
We don't need ticketsellers, we need captains! Do we look
like we need ticketsellers?
Wes
Wait what - you're his brother? And you're both named Parker?
Kyle
It's their last name.
Parker
(to Wes)
Anyways, I want you to be on the boat that leaves at 2. See
what they do on board. Until then, you can work with Rob over here.
Wes
Okay.
EXT. COMPETITOR'S SALES KIOSK.
Kyle passes by the competitor's sales kiosk on his way back
to the Wellington Street position.
Gabe is on front of the kiosk making ninja moves. He bows,
and continues on. Kyle slows down, and stops in disbelief.
KYLE
Gabe, what are you doing?
GABE
It's my newest ninjitsu move. It's too complicated for you to
understand. So let
me dumb it down for you - I have my hand open when I throw a punch, and close
my fist at the last second. It makes the punch more aerodynamic. More fast.
More deadly.
Gabe repeats the punching move, uttering "kyas" under his
breath as he does so.
kyle
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
GABE
Maybe if it had hoes and gangstas in it, then "homies" like
you would
understand complex things like this. You just don't have the Eye-Cue necessary.
Gabe spins an imaginary table as he says "IQ."
kyle
Oh I think I do. See ya Gabe.
Kyle walks on.
EXT. SALES KIOSK.
Wes is handling out pamphlets again. He passes it to a few
people. A black man comes by, and Wes is seen talking to him in the distance
from Rob's perspective. The guy goes off.
Rob lets out a chuckle.
Wes
(irritated)
What?!
Rob shakes his head, with a smile.
Wes
No please indulge me - I've been handing out pamphlets for
half an hour,
and you haven't said a word to me. Every time I try to say something, you just
respond with a stupid shrug or a fucking shake of the head. So if you're going
to laugh, and about me, you better tell me about what!
Rob
(chill)
Nah, nothing. It's just that black people don't buy boat
tours.
Wes
What the hell do you mean? Of course they do! I'm black -
skin colour makes no difference!
Rob
Have you ever bought a boat tour?
Wes
No!
ROB
Well?
wes
But that has nothing to do with this!
Rob
(skeptical tone)
Okaaa-y.
Another black person comes by. Wes tries to pass them the
pamphlet, and they look interested. As he talks to the individual, Wes gives a
look of victory to Rob.
Wes
(to black person)
So you want to go for it?
Black person
Mmm... no. Thanks anyways.
Wes gives Rob an incredulous look. Rob is laughing out loud, slamming his hand on the desk. Wes approaches him.
Rob
(wiping a tear)
Heh - you're not so bad after all.
A man in ragged clothing approaches the duo.
Shady guy
Hey... You guys want some PCP?
Wes
Nooo thanks...
SHADY GUY
Then.. um (goes through bag), how about some keys to the
boats of the company you guys compete with? Huh?
Rob
Not today man, but if you come by some other stuff let me
know.
The man leaves, unphased.
wes
What was that?
A girl comes running down by the steps by the sales kiosk.
The camera shows Wes looking up. Leah comes down, in slow-mo. Bad 80s music
plays. The sound of a vinyl scratching cuts the music and resumes playback of
the movie to normal speed.
LEAH
Did Kyle or Jake do it?
Rob
Do what?
Kyle and Jake run down by the same steps to the sales kiosk.
kyle
We just let lose a badger in their kiosk! They're dealing
with it now!
Wes
You what?
ext. competitor's sales kiosk.
kyle
(voiceover)
We let loose a badger.
Kyle, in Parks Canada uniform, is seen calmly opening a
violently shaking animal cage.
int. competitor's sales kiosk.
"Badger cam." A black snout is placed on front of the camera.
The camera is then placed on the floor, facing the employees (including Gabe)
of the opposing company. The camera, along with the sound effect of a raving
badger, then jumps to "bite" the employees of the other company.
GABE
What the fuck is a badger doing in here?
EMPLOYEE
How the fuck should I know?
ext. sales kiosk.
Wes is seen looking at Leah. She is talking rapidly and
laughing to Rob - but the volume fades out. Zoom in on Wes' face.
Wes
(quietly, to Kyle)
Who is she?
kyle
That's Leah. She's the only chill employee that works at the
other company.
wes
She's... special.
Wes has his eyes locked ahead. Kyle looks at Wes, then ahead,
then back at Wes. He smiles.
Kyle
Whoa look at you eh? Well she just split up with her
boyfriend a few weeks ago.
Wes looks at Kyle.
kyle
Yeah, the guy was cheating on her or
some shit like that. Anyways if you like her, just go talk to her, get some
conversation going.
Just don't do what Gabe does.
Wes
What does Gabe do?
kyle
He takes advantage of chicks when they're down to get free
sex. If you ever try to pull off that kind of shit around me, I'll kill you.
Speaking of Gabe the bastard.
Gabe comes running down the
stairs beside the kiosk.
gabe
Alright, who did it?! Who did it! C'mon, I know it was one of
you. Leah, what are you doing here?
LEAH
(disinterested)
Just chilling, Gabe.
gabe
Well you shouldn't be here. And I'm going to catch you guys
one day, and when I do! Oh, and what's this here?
Gabe walks up to Wes. One of Rob's customer walks in, giving
Gabe an odd gaze. The camera circles around Gabe.
GABE
A new employee eh? To corrupt the mind of? Did you do this?
Gabe pokes repeatedly in Wes' chest, and then leaves his
finger dug into Wes' torso. When saying the word "phat", Gabe makes the quotes
movement
with his fingers (ie. bunny ears.)
GABE
Did you think it would be "phat" to show off to your friends
by
doing this?
Wes
What the fuck?
gabe
Well you guys are getting this close - (motioning with his
fingers)- this close from getting shut down.
Gabe leaves.
ROB's customer
Whoa - that man has some emotional issues. Rob: hook me up?
Rob flips the panel of boat tour prices in his kiosk,
revealing the prices for doobies, dimebags, weed by the gram, hash, and seeds.
Wes
(in disbelief)
Oh, you have to be shitting me.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.
Gabe is alone in a room. He makes a finger gun, and a tough
(gangsta) face to go with it, and points at the camera. He then crosses two
finger guns on his chest, still with the tough look. A door is heard opening.
Gabe, surprised, jerks in his chair.
gabe
So how much will I get paid for this?
The director's voice - distant mumbles - are heard in
response.
gabe
Oh c'mon, you have to pay people to do this. I bet you you
paid those idiots for the other company, huh?
GABE
Really nothing? You suck! Why am I still hanging around then?
Will I be famous at least?
The director again responds.
gabe
As much as my blow up what? Oh you fucking cocksucker!
Gabe aims for the director behind the camera, knocking over
the tripod, and throwing the camera on the ground.
EXT. SALES KIOSK.
Rob is in the sales kiosk. Wes is sitting in the chair by the
kiosk outside. Two customers are seen approaching. Subtitles don the lower
portion of the screen for when the customers speak.
bitchy french customer
Allo?
Rob stares at them silently.
BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER
Est-ce que vous parlez francais? [Do you speak French?]
Rob turns his head to Wes.
Wes
(in a thick accent)
Ah oui, je parles un peux. Pui-je vous aider? [Ah yes, I
speak a little. May I help you?]
The French people are taken aback.
BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER
Oui. Pour debuter, vous pourriez me dire si il ya quelqu'un a
qui je pourrais parler qui parle un meilleur francais que vous. [To start off
with, could you tell us if there's someone here that speaks better French than
you?]
wes
(with a smile)
Malheureusement, je pense que je suis le seul.
[Unfortunately, I think I'm the only one.]
The bitchy French lady is seen fiddling through her hideous
purse.
BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER
Ah j'en reviends pas, des maudit anglais. Y'a tu vraiment
personne? Calisse, c'est la capitale nationalle ici - d'un pays bilingue -
autant francais qu'anglais! Si vous ne pouvez pas parler du bon francais,
sortez d'ici! Va
au Nouveau Brunswick ou quelque chose. [I don't believe it. Damn English. It's
the national capital here, of a bilingual country - as much French as English!
If you can't speak good French, get out! Go to New Brunswick or something.]
Wes
En effet, le Nouveau Brunswick est - [Actually, New Brunswick
is -]
BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER
Oh la ferme esti. [Oh shuddup damnit.]
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.
BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER
Vivre le Quebec libre!
EXT. SALES KIOSK.
Wes and Bitchy French Customers are in a virtual standoff,
away from the kiosk. The camera is at a funny angle to Wes.
WES
Alors voulez-vous, ou ne voulez-vous pas, une croisiere? [Do
you, or do you not, want a cruise?]
They are at a standoff. A pause ensues. Meanwhile, in the
background, a nun is seen approaching Rob. Rob flips the boat prices sign over.
She nods, and Rob is seen passing the nun a dimebag.
A cellphone rings of one of the bitchy customers breaks the
standoff.
BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER
(on cellphone)
Hello? Yes, Mr. Clarke, I can speak now.
Both Wes looks back at Rob in the background. Rob looks back,
shaking his head into his hand in disbelief.
The French customer raises his finger to Wes, to indicate
that he'll be a second. Wes approaches Rob.
Wes
Can you believe this shit?
Rob
They're not the worst we've had. Let me handle it.
The French customer clasps his phone shut, and approaches the
sales kiosk.
BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER
On est pas interesse dans votre tournee d'anglais, mais il y
a til un restaurant avec de la bonne bouffe quebecqoise icite dans cette ville
de putain? [We're not interested in your
English cruise, but is there a good Quebecquois restaurant in this bloody city?]
Rob
Tell him there's a decent place three streets down, two
streets to the left.
Wes
Il a dit -
BITCHY FRENCH CUSTOMER
I understood, I understood.
The French customers walk off, mumbling angrily. Parker shows
up.
Parker
Hey, how bout you go to lunch? By the time you come back,
it'll almost be time for you to get on that boat anyways.
Wes
Okay.
Wes walks off. A cyclists come by fast, clips him.
Wes
Hey, watch it buddy!
Parker
What the hell are you doing? Walking off like that?
Wes suddenly realizes who he was talking to.
Wes
You... Parker just sent me off for lunch.
parker
Oh. Alright then.
EXT. DOWNTOWN OTTAWA.
Shots of roller blading chicks on the canal are show.
Tourists at busy intersections downtown. Wes is seen settling down for lunch
outside on Sparks street. He looks down on either way, and takes out a Tim
Horton's wrap.
Stop-motion shots of the shadow of buildings on the ground,
to represent the passage of time. Wes is seen again, with his wrap all eaten up
- he has now but the wrapping paper Tim Horton's used. He throws it in the
garbage.
Wes checks his watch. He taps on it. He looks up at the clock
on the Parliament.
Wes
Shit.
EXT. docks.
Wes is running back. The annoying cyclist comes by - Kyle
throws a spike strip. The cyclist crashes some thirty feet down. All the
employees are present, and huddled around Parker.
Parker
Wes, where were you!?
Wes
Sorry, my watch was off and I didn't notice.
Parker
Well damnit boy! I just got word that Transport Canada is
doing a surprise inspection today!
kyle
Why is that such a bad thing?
parker
Why? Why?! Because of the life jackets, that's why! We have
three
ships, but only enough life jackets for one, maybe two. If Transport Canada
sees that, they'll shut us down!
Parker turns around, and walks back and forth.
Parker
(calmly)
Rob, I want you to take care of it.
rob
Take care of what? This is your responsibility! You never
wanted to invest in the life jackets in the first place! Even after last time!
parker
Yeah, I know - but you've done shit like this before! C'mon,
Rob! If you pull this off, I'll give you, and all of you, time-and-a-half for
all your week's pay!
Rob
Okay. Okay. I'll do it.
There is a pause.
Rob
You'll owe me more than a few bucks for this one Parker.
What's the other Parker doing right now?
Parker
Trimming his nose.
A shot of Parker is shown, trimming his nose on front of the
side-mirror of a car.
Rob
Good, that'll keep him busy. Briscoe?
Briscoe
Yeah?
Rob
How's the permit for this ship?
Briscoe
Expired four years ago.
ROB
Okay. Think you can change the dates for me? Make it look
like we're not faking it?
Briscoe
Sure.
rob
Now last time this happened, we rented the life jackets from
the
city marina.
We don't have time for that now, but I think we can handle this.
Music plays. Briscoe is seen on a table, carefully cutting
and pasting pieces of paper to a certificate. Rob is busy talking to the owner
of a small boat. Kyle, Jake, and Wes are seen piling the life jackets. They are
then seen bringing them onto the first of three boats and putting them in.
Briscoe looks at his completed falsified certificate. The music ends, and the
camera shifts to an external view of the boats.
EXT. COMPANY BOATS.
The inspector is on the dock.
inspector
So, everything in order?
Parker
Yes it is.
INSPECTOR
I'll inspect this ship first, and then move onto the others?
Parker
That's what we were counting on.
The inspector enters the boat. Parker goes in with him. Rob
is behind with a stop watch. He starts it. A cross-fade happens, and we now see
it's 15 minutes later on the watch. The inspector leaves the boat with Parker.
INSPECTOR
Not bad, not bad. You had enough safety vests, but you'll
have to replace the fire hose.
Onto the next one?
PARKER
We- well what kind of firehose?
INSPECTOR
Oh c'mon, you know full well. Call the Kingston office if you
want the exact specs, but those rubber hoses have to go.
The camera shifts focus to the other side of the tour boat. Kyle, Wes, and the tour guide, are in a small boat to the side of the sixty-tonner. Briscoe and the Tour Guide are inside, rapidly offloading safety vests into the small ship.
Parker
Well, how about I take you out to lunch first? Say, a nice
steak?
INSPECTOR
That's really tempting.
There's a pause, as the inspector thinks.
inspector
No, I can't. I'm on government time.
parker
Oh c'mon.
The camera shifts focus to the other side of the tour boat.
Kyle, Wes, and the tour guide continue their efforts.
Kyle
(quietly)
We got to go faster!
Meanwhile, back on the other side. The inspector tries to
advance to the second boat. Rob cuts on front of the inspector.
Rob
Have you checked out the other company at all lately?
(Playfully) I hear bad things from their employees.
INSPECTOR
No. Now if you'll excuse me.
Back on the other side, the small boat in which Wes is in is moving in parallel to the inspector walking on the dock towards the second boat.
Briscoe
Shit, shit, shit! We don't have the life jackets on the other
boat yet!
A loud horn is then heard, with seven short and one long
blast.
Inspector
What the hell - is that the distress signal? Excuse me.
Parker
No problem.
We see Jake holding a pocket blow-horn by a boat. Back with Kyle...
Kyle
That was lucky.
Kyle, Wes, and the tour guide are busily offloading the life
jackets into the second boat. The inspector is back.
inspector
(to Parker)
It was apparently a false call.
Parker
Yeah, that happens alot around here. Maybe you government
guys should investigate that, put that tax money to good use.
The inspector enters the second boat. Wes and the guys are
all in the small boat, by the windows of the tour ship, bent over as to remain
hidden from view. The inspector comes out.
Inspector
All's in order. Now onto the last boat?
Parker
Okay.
Briscoe and the tour guide sneak back into the tour boat.
Briscoe
(quietly)
Quick, quick, quick!
Jake is seen with the shady guy, pointing to the
inspector. The shady guy approaches the inspector, as he moves on.
Shady guy
Hey, buddy... you want some PCP?
INSPECTOR
What? No...
SHADY GUY
How about this purse?
The shady guy pulls out the same hideous purse that the
bitchy french customer was fidgeting through.
SHADY GUY
It's quality Armani!
INSPECTOR
(visibly annoyed)
No it's not - it just says "Made in Armenia." Look, get out
of my way before I call the cops.
SHADY GUY
Fine, homie - I don't want trouble.
The shady guy moves on.
INSPECTOR
It's quite sad the situation this area is in. For a tourist hotspot, you'd think that they'd take people like these off the street. Do you always have to deal with people like that?
Parker looks over the inspector's shoulder. He sees Kyle
waving furiously in behind, making horizontal slicing motions around his neck
with his hand and motioning "no" with his lips, indicating they aren't done
yet. Kyle has a panic-stricken face.
parker
No, not usually.
inspector
Well, onto boat number three.
The screen cuts to a shot of the panicked faces amongst the
employees. The screen is divided into five parts: in one, we see Kyle's
panicked-face, then Wes, then Parker, then the other Parker still trimming his
nose. Rob cuts in just as the inspector makes the first step.
rob
Ahh - before you go on, I just wanted to give you this.
INSPECTOR
What is it?
Rob
It's a poem my mentally deficient brother wrote for you, when
he found out you were coming on today. Apparently he saw you last time you
came, and wanted to give you this gift. I told him you would read it.
INSPECTOR
Ah... Thanks... Can I read it later?
Rob
I'd normally say yes, but he's actually here right now. Jake!
Jake comes over.
Rob
Jake, this is the inspector. You remember him?
Jake contorts his body in a fashion emulating the physically
deficients, and nods vigorously his head up and down with a large smile.
Rob
Do you want to read it, Mr. Inspector?
Rob sees the crew working on bringing the life jackets into
the third boat. Wanting to turn the inspector to face away from the commotion,
Rob and Jake sit down on the benches by the dock.
Rob
We'll sit here.
INSPECTOR
Ahh... Sure...
The inspector takes the card. He then re-orients it to one
side, and then another. Meanwhile, on the side of the third boat, the crew is
loading on the new life vests.
Briscoe
Leave it to Rob to save the day.
Briscoe
Okay, we're good.
Kyle gives a thumbs up to Rob.
TOUR GUIDE
Wait - isn't this the part where Gabe comes down and rat out
on us? Where is the 25 year old virgin anyways?
kyle
Oh, I took care of him and them.
int. sales kiosk, competitor's sales kiosk.
The scenery alternates between the competitor's sales kiosk,
and Kyle who is at a mall payphone. Gabe's phone rings. He picks it up.
voice
Hello - is this the company for boat tours? Who am I speaking
to?
gabe
This is Gabe, sir.
voice
Hello Gabe. My name is D. Eisenhower, and I'm with the US
Embassy?
gabe
Yes?
Kyle is seen talking through a voice changer.
Kyle
(on the phone)
We have a special guest in town, and we want him to take him
on a tour today. We'd be a group of about 120... can we fit on your 3PM cruise?
gabe
That's too short notice... I don't think I can...
VOICE
(raising his tone)
This is urgent, son. I can't tell you who the guest is, but let's just say he works in a little thing we call the Oval Office. Can you, or can you not clear those seats?
GABE
I... I.. I..
KYLE
I see here that there's also another company in town - "Happy
Sunshine Tours"? You know what - I think we'll call them up. Maybe they'll have
the free seats. I'm sure you-know-who wouldn't really care what vessel he's on.
gabe
Jesus. We'll free up the seats sir. 3PM you said?
VOICE
Yes. I'm glad to hear you're cooperating son. We'll send
someone down there ASAP. He should be
there within an hour. In the meantime, get those boats ready, okay?
gabe
Yes sir! And sir?
voice
Yes?
gabe
Could I get his autograph? The you-know-who's?
kyle
I'll put a good word in for you, son.
gabe
Thanks you sir.
The shady guy approaches Kyle at the payphone.
voice
Before I let you go son, I'd just like to know one thing -
Would you like some PCP?
gabe
Some what sir?
voice
Never mind son. Never mind.
Gabe runs off.
Kyle
I feel ... sad for the guy.
ext. tour boat.
The camera focusing on the reflection of Briscoe in the
window
of the boat, as he wastes time by clasping his jaw open and close; extending
his tongue and making "arhh" sounds. The camera turns around to face the Tour
Guide.
tour guide
We're ready. You're coming on this one Wes?
wes
Yeah.
tour guide
So who is driving, and who is commentating this tour Briscoe?
Briscoe
I don't know - RPS?
tour guide
That works. Best two out of three?
Briscoe nods.
TOUR GUIDE
On three. One, two, three.
Both the tour guide and Briscoe play rock paper scissors.
Briscoe wins. Briscoe takes deep breaths, and walks it off.
BRISCOE
Hold on a sec, hold on a sec. I need to think.
Briscoe places his fingers to his mouth, in a pensive manner.
TOUR GUIDE
One, two, three.
Briscoe wins again.
tour guide
Arhh...
Briscoe
I call driving.
TOUR GUIDE
Of course.
Briscoe
Wes - rock paper scissor is the
fundamental decision making force behind this company. We use it to determine
who gets
to go home early, who gets to keep the good leftovers from the caterers -
anything really. [Begs for something funny.]
tour guide
Like take right now. Both me and Briscoe hate tourists, and
what do we hate even more? (looks at Briscoe)
Briscoe
Giving them tours?
tour guide
So we rock-paper-scissor it to see who will have to give the
tour. In this case, that's me.
A sign by the side of the boat, a few feet away, falls over.
Briscoe
Ahh not again. RPS?
TOUR GUIDE
Okay.
Briscoe
One two three.
Briscoe looses.
Briscoe
Arh. Best two out of three?
tour guide
C'mon dude.
Briscoe
(with a sigh)
Okay.
Briscoe props the sign back up. Wes goes on board.
int. TOUR boat.
Close-up shots are shown of the captain starting the boat, and of the boat leaving.
The next shot is of the tour guide starting his speech. The
speech fades off as the camera turns to concentrate on Wes' face, who is busy
looking outside.
We see the outside - sunbathing chicks, cars passing by -
multiple shots of outdoor scenery. This is spliced with shots of the tour
guide, talking with great interest of the sights around. During this time, the
tour guide's speech is muted - and replaced with the sound of beaty music. The
tour guide motions as he makes a joke, and Wes laughs (all still silent.)
This music is suddenly interrupted by a cellphone.
cellphone guy
Yeah? Yeah, I can talk right now.
(pause)
CELLPHONE GUY
Heey Rick! How ya doin' buddy! (pause) Oh yeah?!
The tour guide stops.
tour guide
Excuse me sir?
The man puts up his finger, as if indicating to the tour
guide to wait one moment.
TOUR GUIDE
Sir?
The man turns his head to one side, and inserts one finger
into his ear.
CELLPHONE GUY
(on phone)
Yeah, yeah, yeah - oh really?
TOUR GUIDE
You have to be shitting me. (resumes) So the canal there was
built in case the Americans would try to-
The man breaks out laughing - interrupting the tour guide.
The tour guide's eye twitches.
TOUR GUIDE
So as I was saying, the reason this canal was built was that
back then we were fresh off the war of 1812 and -
The man laughs extremely loudly again again.
CELLPHONE GUY
(on phone, excited)
Yeah, yeah?!
The tour guide sighs.
In the next shot, the tour guide sits down by the front of
the boat, along side the captain and Wes.
TOUR GUIDE
Dear God that cellphone guy was annoying.
At this time, subtitles appear on the bottom of the screen
along side the text.
Tour guide
(subtitles)
Fucking hell that cellphone guy was a royal pain in the ass.
I wanted to strangle him with his own antenna.
The subtitles continue:
tour guide
(subtitles)
...and then piss on his dead body.
Wes
What?
Briscoe
Oh, by the way - everything we say here you have to
exaggerate to get the full truth. It's how we get to say things so that
tourists don't understand.
wes
Oh, okay.
tour guide
So how was the party last night?
Briscoe
Good. I met some nice girls.
Briscoe
(subtitles)
Good. I fucked some chicks.
Briscoe
They looked young though.
Briscoe
(subtitles)
I think they may have been underage.
The cellphone guy approaches the trio.
CELLPHONE GUY
When was the canal you spoke of built again? I didn't hear
that.
tour guide
Between 1920 and 1942, all because of the Canado-Australian
war that I was talking about.
TOUR GUIDE
(subtitles)
I'm bullshitting - but hey - how are you to know any different? Oh, and I think you're a cock-sucker.
TOUR GUIDE
(subtitles)
Cock-sucker.
Wes
Ohh, I get it.
CELLPHONE GUY
Get what?
Wes
Nothing.
Wes
(subtitles)
Nothing. [1 second delay] Cock-sucker.
Briscoe
Yeah, now you got it.
cellphone guy
Got what?
TOUR GUIDE
Dick.
TOUR GUIDE
(subtitles)
Dick.
The cellphone guy leaves, perplexed.
Briscoe
Cellphone karma. Oh, and here's Emo kid. He's there every
cruise.
Briscoe pokes his head out the window. He motions his keys on
his wrists pretending to slit them
Briscoe
(shouting)
Remember that it's down the road, not across the street!
emo kid
Fuck you!!
The emo kid raises his middle finger to the boat. Briscoe and
the tour guide laugh.
Briscoe
Haha... That never gets old. Hey, starboard!
They look over. There's a hot chick tanning on the grounds
off to their side.
EXT. DOCKS.
Wes comes down and off the boat.
Parker
So you think you can be a captain?
Wes
Yeah, I think I can get the hang of it.
Parker
Good. I want you on the next cruise too. Get those guys to
train on how to work the ship, okay?
Wes
Alright.
Wes leaves to go back to the sales kiosk. Briscoe and the
tour
guide are there, as is Rob - busy measuring weed, rolling up joints.
EXT. SALES KIOSK.
Briscoe and the tour guide are finishing up a conversation
about how porn movies look fake (esp when black actors are thrown in.)
Briscoe/TOUR GUIDE
[Impromptu conversation of upmanship on how violently drunk
each can be worse than the other. Or alternatively: impromptu conversation on
how porn movies look fake.]
Wes
I don't get how you can be doing that in broad daylight. That
it's weed is bad enough, but out here? On front of everyone?
A man runs up, panting. He has a bunch of cameras hanging
from his neck.
thief
Man, where can I go hide! The cops are after me!
Rob
Three streets down, two streets to the left.
thief
Thanks man!
The thief runs off.
Briscoe
That was weird.
Another man runs up.
mall security
Where did he go!? The guy with the cameras around his neck -
where did he go?
Rob
Three streets down, two streets to the left.
MALL SECURITY
What?
The mall security guy runs off.
Rob
Anyways Wes, you need to chill.
Rob feeds a bird some weed; it goes on a crazy worm-eating
binge.
Rob
This is an easy job. You drive boats for part of the day,
come here, relax - that's about it. If you keep stressing out though, Dock
Fever will get to you.
wes
Dock Fever?
Rob
Yeah, Dock Fever. See those guys?
Rob points to homeless people.
Rob
They used to work for this company. That's what Dock Fever
did to them. Learn to relax.
Leah comes by.
LEAH
Hey guys; Briscoe. I've run out of pamphlets - think you
could
spare a few?
Wes looks at her - corny 80s music plays.
Briscoe
What, you're using our pamphlets now?
LEAH
Hey man - the tourists just see the pretty pictures, and then
they come to me. So whether I use pamphlets from your boat company instead of
mine - it doesn't matter.
Wes tries to vocalize something.
LEAH
Mmmm?
Wes backs out.
Wes
Ah... Nothing.
LEAH
Okay.
The shady guy comes up.
SHADY GUY
Hey... Psst... You guys want some cameras? How about a police
baton?
Briscoe
No thanks man.
SHADY GUY
You guys are loosing out.
LEAH
Does he come by often?
Rob
A few times a day.
LEAH
Weird. Anyways, got to head. Peace.
TOUR GUIDE
Peace.
Leah walks off.
Wes
Think Leah would ever consider someone like me?
Briscoe
She could. When was your last girlfriend?
WES
Never really had one.
briscoe
What? Whoa. Really?
WES
Yeah. Really.
Briscoe
Well, let me tell you that this is all an art. Don't do what
Gabe does and only care about third base. Truth be known, magic is all over
first base - talking to her, getting to know her.
Wes
Hrmm...
tour guide
Look, she's having a kegger tomorrow night. You should
come - it would be the perfect chance for you to talk to her. Maybe more?
WES
Nahh I couldn't go unless she invited me. I can't just let
myself in.
tour guide
Suure you could, even-
Parker runs up.
Parker
We got Asians!
Briscoe
I'll take care of it.
Briscoe runs off. He mounts a "Washroom out of Order" sign on
the bathroom door. Briscoe runs back. On his way back, he passes by a
restaurant worker that is taking a smoke break.
restaurant worker
Hey dude, what's up?
Briscoe
Asians on their way.
The restaurant worker quickly drops his cigarette and puts
it out.
restaurant worker
What? Oh shit. Thanks for the heads up.
The restaurant worker goes inside to his restaurant, and
quickly talks to the manager. He then puts up a "Bathroom closed for Repairs"
sign on his washroom doors.
A still panoramic outdoor shot of the city is taken. Sounds
of masking tape being stretched and nails being hammered are heard.
wes
Asians? What?
Rob
Asians and bathrooms don't mix. Let's leave it at that.
A man comes down.
bus driver
Hey, Rob, it's been a while. How you doing?
Rob
Good Steve. You're the bus driver for the Asian group I take
it?
BUS DRIVER
Yeah. Is it alright if we drop them over here?
Rob
Sure.
bus driver
Okay, I'll let their group leader know.
Rob
Did you lock the washroom doors on your bus?
BUS DRIVER
Oh shit no - I forgot!
The bus driver runs off, onto the bus. He opens the washroom
door, and the theme from Psycho plays.
bus driver
JESUS CHRIST!
The next shot is of the asian tour leader coming up. He is
himself, asian.
asian tour leader
Hey, I'm the leader for the group?
Rob just looks up, and stares.
ASIAN TOUR LEADER
You must be Rob. Well - they're on their way. And don't
forget - they want the tour guide to do his speech.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.
asian tour leader
I fucking hate Asian people.
The director speaks in mumble-ish.
asian tour leader
Me? Nah I'm not asian. I'm jewish! Do my eyes look asian to
you? Huh? Do I look like I have a small dick? Is
that what you're saying? That I have a small dick, prick? That's right.
EXT. docks.
tour guide
So, it's your turn to do the commentary and my turn to drive.
Briscoe
How about if I cancel the money you owe for the E you
bought off of me the other day?
tour guide
But this is a... group. Let me think about it.
(pause)
tour guide
Okay. I'll do it. But can we RPS for who has to do the safety
demonstration?
Briscoe
Sure. Best two of three?
TOUR GUIDE
Let's do it.
Briscoe
Hold on, hold on.
Briscoe takes a deep breath.
BRISCOE
Okay.
Briscoe
One, two, three.
Briscoe wins. He takes a deep breath, spins around.
Briscoe
Let's do it. One, two -
Gabe comes into the scene.
gabe
Hey I got one for you!
tour guide
Save your breath, Gabe. You'll need it to blow up your
girlfriend.
gabe
It's Cigarette! (Gabe raises his middle
finger.) Get it?
Briscoe
We get it Gabe, very funny.
tour guide
What the hell are you even doing here?
gabe
I'm going to Tim Horton's - because /we/ get our 15 minute
breaks losers!
Briscoe
Tim Horton's is that way, idiot.
Briscoe points the opposite direction from which Gabe is
heading.
gabe
(indignant)
Yeah, I know.
Briscoe
(to Tour Guide)
So where were we? Oh yeah: (Briscoe breathes in/out very
fast) One, two, three.
INT. TOUR BOAT.
Briscoe and Wes are at the front of the boat.
Briscoe
So the controls of this are pretty simple. This is your
throttle and is what controls your gears. There's only two gears: forward, and
reverse. Then there's neutral. And now it's time to go.
Briscoe
Are the Asians all on?
Wes
(looks back)
Looks like it.
Briscoe takes the two-way radio.
Briscoe
All clear?
Parker
(on radio)
All clear.
Briscoe
(to Wes)
And we're off.
The shot shifts over to the tour guide.
tour guide
Hello ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce myself - I'm going to be your tour guide on this cruise.
(pause)
tour guide
You guys... don't speak English do you. If you speak English
- please raise your hands.
(pause)
tour guide
No... one. Okay - good day ladies and gentlemen, my name is
Cobra Commander, and with us as captain we have GI Joe. We'll be taking you
guys down the cruise today.
The shot reverts to Wes and Briscoe.
Wes
So what is it with Rob anyways?
Briscoe
You mean why doesn't he talk much?
wes
Yeah.
Briscoe
It's Rob! That's just how he is. He's been like that for as
long as
I've known him. He'll open up though once you know him.
wes
Still though - like isn't the entire point of working in that
kiosk is to deal with people? And they get Rob to do it? A guy who - if he
doesn't just stand there and stare blankly at people, deals out drugs?
The shot reverts to the tour guide.
tour guide
On your right, we have the German Embassy. That's also where
a whale came out and ate my leg.
The shot goes back to Briscoe and Wes.
Briscoe
Well, what Rob didn't deal weed? What would change? The
people who got the weed would still get it somewhere else. Rob would have less
money, I'd have less weed on my hands, and this place would be a whole lot less
cool.
wes
Still...
Briscoe
No, I get what you mean about this. But once you realize how chill this place is - you'll see that there's no reason to get upset about anything. At the end of the day, we still get the money, and the tourists still get their tour. Plus, what will getting upset accomplish? You're not going to change Rob.
The shot goes back to the tour guide.
tour guide
(pretending to be televangelist)
And Christ, our lord and saviour, showed us all the way to
salvation!
And you non-believers ought to convert now, or else you /will/ face the depths
of eternal hell. Don't get me wrong - God is a nice guy, but he doesn't
tolerate traitors. And that's what you will all be if you don't follow the path
set for us by the one and true Lord. Become Christian today! Or Jewish. Because
Jews are okay too.
Wes settles by a seat, and pears out the window. The emo kid
is there, playing air guitar. He sees the boat, and raises his middle finger.
Wes sighs, looks the other way. There's an old man in an
electric wheelchair - he's going faster than the boat.
Briscoe sits down beside Wes, on one of the benches.
Briscoe
Going pretty slow eh?
wes
What? Who's driving the boat?
Briscoe
Oh I got it covered.
The next shot is of a piece of masking tape keeping the wheel
centered. Wes has a panic-stricken face.
wes
You guys are insane! All of you... Aren't you the least bit
worried? Do you not have some shred of moral fiber that you feel you're
violating right now?
Briscoe
Nope.
Wes has a look of disbelief. The tour guide sits down.
tour guide
You know, you really shouldn't rely on that piece of masking
tape as an autopilot.
Briscoe
Hasn't failed me yet. How was the tour?
tour guide
They didn't speak English. At all.
Briscoe
Ah yes - the "we demand that the tour guide speaks to our
group, even though all our guys are from China and don't understand any
English" tours. Hey, can you
explain to Wes how our complete disregard for passenger safety and moral ethics
here is okay?
tour guide
Wes - it's okay. We're actually quite responsible people, and
no one's been hurt because of us. So you just have to learn to relax, and trust
us a bit. Get away from those perceptions of how things /should/ be run, and
you'll see how things still manage to happen smoothly here.
Wes
Still.
As Wes is speaking, an Asian sneaks into the bathroom,
despite the "Washroom out of order" sign.
Wes
You know... It's just...
An explosion is heard.
Briscoe
What was that?
wes
Shouldn't you know?
TOUR GUIDE
It seemed to come from the Engine room. I'll check it out.
The tour guide leaves.
ext. tour boat deck.
The tour guide opens the hatch at the back of the ship -
water jets out. He quickly closes the hatch.
int. tour boat.
tour guide
Do we have duct tape on board? The pipe from the
water pump
to the toilet blew - we're taking in water pretty bad.
Briscoe
Check the cupboard at the back.
The tour guide goes to the back, into the cupboard - gets the
duck tape.
ext. tour boat deck.
The tour guide opens the hatch to the engine room again and
goes down. More water jets out. The camera never goes into the engine room
itself, but rather looks at things from the rear deck.
int. tour boat.
WES
Shouldn't we get to the coast or something?
Briscoe
Nah - this is the third time that this happens this year.
TOUR GUIDE
(wet)
It's not enough - the duct tape won't stick to where the leak
is on the pipe. We need like a small bag or something waterproof to cover the
leak, and get the duct tape around it.
WES
Where will we find that?
Brisco holds up his small bag of weed, and shows it to the
other two.
tour guide
That'll do it.
EXT. TOUR BOAT DECK.
The tour guide goes down the hatch. Briscoe and Wes are
standing by.
WES
Do you think it'll really work?
Briscoe
I hope so.
wes
How can you be so calm about this?
Briscoe
Well - I had nowhere to put the weed that was in that bag. So
I just ate it.
WES
You what?
The tour guide comes out of the hatch. He gives a thumbs up.
tour guide
It worked! I'm a little worried about the heat in the engine
room though - I think that plus the weed residue in the bag we used might just
turn this entire boat into one massive bong.
Briscoe
You've got too much imagination.
int. tour boat.
The boat is moving forward. There's a silence for about 5 seconds as the crew is piloting the boat.
wes
You smell that?
Briscoe
Noo... it couldn't be...
EXT. TOUR BOAT.
Shots show the boat from the outside. A CG rainbow of THC
follows the back of the boat.
INT. TOUR BOAT.
WES
(laughing)
This is so stupid. And the best part is - the group is so
oblivious to it all! All cruise, they've just been sitting there. I mean, why
should I worry! They're not.
An Asian man approaches the crew, laughing hysterically. He
moves off.
Briscoe
That was so random.
tour guide
Random man - just like Archimedes and the crazy abstract
mathematical formulations he devised!
Briscoe
Whoa.
WES
That was um...
tour guide
Random?
Briscoe
(laughs)
int. interview room.
Briscoe, Wes, and the tour guide are all there. Laughing
hysterically.
WES
Haha - look at the cameraman. He looks scared.
Briscoe
Hey boi - want a taste of my nipple? No? How about...
Briscoe goes to lower his pants. The camera shakes off to the
side before anything is seen, and footsteps are heard running off.
ext. docks.
The crew come off the boat laughing.
tour guide
Hey Wes - it's our supper break now. We have about an hour
and a half off.
wes
Okay.
Briscoe
Hey, I heard that a strip joint over on York Street has got a
free
buffet - the only catch is that you need to buy a drink. Want to come?
tour guide
Sure. I didn't even know there was a joint there.
Rob approaches.
Briscoe
Hey Rob - we're going off to a strip club for supper. Want to
come? They got free food.
ROB
Sure.
A squirrel by Rob's side is holding a doobie to it's mouth,
apparently smoking it. It coughs pretty badly.
tour guide
Wes?
wes
(laissez-faire voice)
Yeah, sure. Why not.
Kyle comes up along with Jake.
kyle
Hey Wes, do you have a lighter we could use?
wes
Actually - yeah I do.
kyle
You don't smoke though do you?
wes
Nah. Here you go. Hey, you aren't coming with us for the
supper break?
Kyle
No, I got something I want to try.
wes
Ok. See ya later.
EXT. strip club.
Rob, Tour Guide, Wes, and Briscoe approach the strip club.
Briscoe
Why have I never heard of this place before?
INT. STRIP CLUB.
The tour guide is getting his plate of food from the buffet.
A ripped guy is on the strip floor.
TOUR GUIDE
Wait - what kind of strip club is this?
male stripper
What kind do you think, sailor man?
The male stripper takes his (sweaty) shirt off, and throws it
on the face of the tour guide.
EXT. STRIP CLUB.
The four workers are seen walking out the door of the club.
briscoe
Well, how was I supposed to know? I just saw a flyer with the
words "free buffet" and "strippers" in the same sentence!
tour guide
The place was called "The Cock Range"!
Briscoe
Well I didn't see you say anything when we went in?
Wes
Where's Kyle?
They all stop. Briscoe goes back in. Next shot is of kyle out
with a plate of food.
kyle
Yeah, I knew. Whatever - it was good food.
EXT. COMPETITOR'S SALES KIOSK.
Gabe is inside the kiosk with another co-worker, and Leah is
outside resting her elbow on the kiosk's counter. Gabe is holding up a
newspaper.
gabe
Okay, you're a Sagittarius? Yeah, for you it says "Look for
opportunities in unlikely places - the payoffs will be most rewarding."
Leah, what are you?
leah
(uninterested)
Leo.
GABE
For you it says: "Watch out for this guy Gabe. He's really
hot, and if you're lucky you could be sleeping with him tonight." And if you
think I'm great - wait until you see El Rodrigez (points down there.)
leah
Nice, Gabe. I'm going for my break. See you later.
gabe
You can't leave now! The break isn't for another three
minutes!
ext. byward market.
The crew stops to admire the Byward market. The camera shows
shots of the market: the fruit market, the wares sellers, the farmhouse.
tour guide
Split up and meet up in ten?
rob
Sounds good.
Music plays in the background. The camera shows Rob to the
side of a fry shack as he buys a poutine, with the poutine handed down to him.
Wes is inside a Lebanese take-out joint, buying a shawarma. The camera shows a
shot of the condiments and of the Arab man putting them on the shawarma.
Briscoe is buying some fruits from the market. The tour guide is inspecting
some bracelets being sold.
The music is still playing. The four hook up. Briscoe gives a nod to Leah, who is just arriving. They eat at a bend; Leah takes her lunch. They all talk and laugh.
Stop-motion shots of the traffic in the Byward market
indicates a passage of time. The music stops.
BRISCOE
What now?
tour guide
(looks at watch)
We still have plenty of time. Want to just chill around?
briscoe
Sounds good. Guys? Leah?
Leah
Sounds good to me man.
Briscoe starts to run. The others follow. The music starts up
again.
ext. downtown Ottawa.
The camera is stationary on front of The Beer Store. The crew
run by, to off-screen. They walk back, stop, and salute.
The crew pulls off an Abbey-road style crossing.
The crew is seen putting money down and cheering as two
homeless individuals brawl under the bridge near Rideau Mall.
The crew run by the US Embassy.
The crew walks by a Women clothes store. Briscoe walks back
and peers inside the window. Gabe is trying on women's lingerie.
int. women's clothes store
gabe
It's for Leah!
Leah, unseen by Gabe, has a surprised look on her face.
briscoe
Sure man, sure.
Gabe returns to trying on the bra.
ext. parliament hill
The crew is sitting on the grounds of Parliament Hill, side
by side. The order: Rob, Leah, Briscoe, Tour Guide, Wes. They each have a
beaver tail at their side. Rob lights up a doobie, takes a few puffs, and
passes it on to the person to his right.
briscoe/tour guide/rob/wes/leah
[Impromptu discussion on penis sunburns, the advantages of owning breath alcohol indicators, logistics of double-anal fisting, etc.]
The joint gets to Wes.
WES
Nah, I don't think I could. I don't do drugs.
briscoe
C'mon - you sort of did some already earlier today right? On
the boat? You can do it.
WES
What about all the cops around us though?
BRISCOE
Pff.. Think they care? They'd smoke it with us if they could.
leah
Yeah man, you have nothing to worry about.
WES
Okay.
Wes takes a puff. He starts to cough viciously, and passes it
on. The tour guide nudges him on the side.
TOUR GUIDE
(quietly)
I thought you were interested in Leah?
wes
I am.
tour guide
Why don't you talk to her? Now's your chance.
wes
Ahh... I can't. I mean what if she doesn't like me or
something?
tour guide
Nah, she's too cool for that.
WES
Still...
tour guide
What's the worse that could happen? She won't shoot you down
just like that - she's not that kind of person. She's not psychotic either, and
those are the ones you have to watch out for.
wes
What do you mean?
tour guide
Like there's this girl I dated once. I think this was on our
third date - she invited me over to her place. Anyways I show up.
int. crazy girl's apartment.
The tour guide's voice over of "shh - I have a secret", and
the girl's saying of the same thing are synced.
tour guide
(voice over)
I ring her
doorbell a few times, but no answer. So just as I'm about to leave, she opens
the door. But she's all weird-like, and she whispers "shhh - I have a secret."
So she brings me up to her room, and she opens her closet door. There's a
fucking 6 year old kid in the closet. She then slapped the closet shut.
Apparently, she thought that the kid was a midget from the Wizard of Oz or some
shit. So she just abducted him from the local park.
EXT. PARLIAMENT HILL.
WES
What?
tour guide
Yeah, it was pretty messed up. So I dated her a few more
times after that, but the relationship quickly fell apart.
wes
That is fucked up shit.
leah
What?
wes
Oh we were just talking.
Wes freezes. The SFX of a clock ticking with strong
reverberation is heard ("tick tock tick".)
LEAH
What? Speak up!
wes
Umm so Leah.. umm.. (Takes deep
breath.) Why did you take
this
job here?
The other employees bury their heads in their hand.
LEAH
Good money. I want to travel to Zambia after this to do some
humanitarian work with a local agency. That starts in October, and this job
here finishes in the beginning of October, which is just perfect.
Wes nods. The music resumes, and the group is seen chatting.
ext. parliament hill gates.
The crew walk off, chatting and laughing. Leah splits off
from the group.
leah
Don't forget guys! Kegger tomorrow night! Everyone's invited
- you too Wes!
WES
Thanks!
LEAH
See ya guys!
BRISCOE/TOUR GUIDE/ROB/WES
Cheers!
Wes is ecstatic at being invited to the kegger. He has a huge smile.
tour guide
So what was that about? I thought you were going to ask her
out?
wes
I froze. I couldn't think. But I got invited to the kegger!
Now what's a kegger?
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.
Kyle and Jake are inside the interview room.
kyle
So we were supposed to pull off a prank at the other
company's booth: light off a firecracker. All we needed to do was get rid of
Gabe for a few minutes, which was easy to do.
int. photocopy shop.
Kyle is seen photocopying a hand-drawn advertisement which
indicates for that one hour, and today only, a local sex shop is handing out
free blow up dolls. The camera focuses on the output coming out of the machine.
EXT. COMPETITOR'S SALES KIOSK.
Jake drops the advert on the counter of the sale's kiosk as
Gabe is looking away. Gabe turns around, looks about but doesn't see Jake. He
grabs the advert. A surprised look overtakes his face, and Gabe runs off.
Kyle lights the firecracker, and throws it in the kiosk.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.
KYLE
There was a little screw up though.
Jake looks at Kyle with an incredulous stare.
kyle
...The firecracker we used kind of burnt down their
booth.
EXT. COMPETITOR'S SALES KIOSK.
Smoldering ruins of wood are shown on-camera. A cop is at the
scene, talking on his radio.
EXT. SALES KIOSK.
Wes and the gang are getting back.
KYLE
Wes, promise you won't get upset.
wes
What?
kyle
Well, I accidentally burnt down the booth of the other
company.
WES
(worried)
Uhh...
kyle
But um... that's not what I thought you'd get mad about.
And its not so much even the fact that I used your lighter to do it.
wes
WHAT?
kyle
It's that, I'm pretty sure I left it there. Your lighter. I
think
I left it over where their booth burnt down.
Wes looks at Kyle. His voice is of a higher intonation due to
the fact that he's scared shitless.
Wes
So... get it back?!
KYLE
I can't. A cop guy just showed up there with a police dog.
WES
No, I don't care - get it!
KYLE
I can't! If I go over there, for sure they'll think it's us!
Wes is in shock. His eyes are wide, his mouth slightly open.
He is hyperventilating - victim of an anxiety attack.
ROB
Here, how about I give you a bit of weed. That'll get the
edge off.
Rob takes out a small bag of weed.
wes
What? No! I should of never listened to you guys! Fuck! FUCK!
I should have never done this shit! Or be with you guys! What was I thinking!
Wes takes the bag of weed from Rob's hands, and throw it on
the ground.
EXT. COMPETITOR'S SALES KIOSK.
The nose of the dog perks up - it sniffed the weed in the
air. It starts running. The cop, surprised, goes after the dog.
ext. sale's kiosk.
Wes sees the cop dog run over here. The cop is behind.
wes
Ah shit!
Wes runs off. The bitchy French customers are back, albeit
with their clothes torn up. They are slightly disoriented. Rob takes the bag of
weed from the ground, kisses it, and places it in the vest pocket of the lady.
The dog jumps the lady (still shot of dog mid-jump in the
air.) The cop arrives, panting. He sees the weed poking up from the vest
pocket, and
promptly cuffs her.
cop
You are under arrest for possession of drugs, with the intent
of selling to these minors here. You have the right to remain silent.
BITCHY FRENCH man
Marie!!
Kyle goes by the crime scene, and retrieves the lighter.
kyle
Sweet.
The camera follows Wes, as he runs.
WES
I should have never listened to you!!!
Wes closes his eyes. He hits a pole, and gets knocked out.
Rob runs up.
rob
You okay man? Wes? Wes?
Rob checks Wes' pulse and breath. The camera shifts
upwards to show the protagonists that are running towards the scene.
Briscoe, Kyle, Jake, and the Tour Guide run on scene.
briscoe
Should we cal 911?
ROB
He's knocked out. Just... I think it would be best to hold
wait a few minutes, and if he doesn't wake up - then call the hospital.
tour guide
I don't know man. What if he's more hurt than that? Brain
hemorrhage or something? He hit his head pretty hard.
rob
And what if we do bring him? Then the hospital will find the
THC in
his blood, and then it's over for him. They'll have to call the cops, and he'll
have to
go to court. And then, what do you think he'll say?
briscoe
Jesus. Does that even matter here? I'm going to call 911.
rob
It's his life we're going to ruin if you're wrong. Give me ten minutes. If by then nothing happens, we bring him in.
Briscoe contemplates for a second.
briscoe
Five minutes. You have five minutes.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM.
WES
Yeah, wow. I had this really weird dream. I was at my
childhood home... and my mom was there along side my third grade teacher, Mr.
Morrison.
ext. wes' childhood home.
Effects are applied in post-production to make the visuals
feel surreal. Wes is outside a house. Wes' mom appears in the clouds above.
WES
Mo---mom?
wes' Mother
Hey Wes. How are you honey?
wes
Good mom. I had a good day at school. Where's dad?
wes' Mother
He's right there honey.
WES
Where? Behind Mr. Morrison?
wes' Mother
No honey, right there.
wes
I don't see him.
wes' Mother
Yes you do.
wes
No... No I don't.
wes' Mother
Anyways that doesn't matter. Wes, I want to talk to you about
something important.
WES
What?
Animated stripes pass by.
wes' mother
Frankly, I think you're too anal for your own good. Life is
short, Wes. Too short, and you don't want to let it fly you by without
having lived it. You're young Wes, you're supposed to go to parties, do drugs,
and screw 40 year old washed up Russian-speaking male prostitutes.
WES
What?
WES' MOTHER
Wes, when you get back home, look at the photos from when I
was younger. Count the ones where I'm not actually on some mind-altering drug.
You'll see, Wes, that it's a small percentage. Remembere, life is too short,
and you don't want to die with regrets of the things you never did.
Wes' mother fades from the clouds.
WES
Mr. Morrison, what are you still doing here?
Mr. Morrison is shaking his hand in a rapid motion, facing
away from Wes.
mr. morrison
Oh, just spreading my seed in your mom's bush.
Wes
What?
Mr. Morrison turns around, showing that he is in fact,
spreading plant seeds.
EXT. SALES KIOSK.
Wes is unconscious, laying flat on his back on an outdoor
bench. Rob, Kyle, Jake, the Tour Guide and Briscoe are there.
rob
I can't believe it. This kid is any parent's wet dream - he
didn't even know what a kegger was. Had never touched weed. And now look at
him. Shit... It's been more than five minutes - I'm calling 911. Fuck.
Wes grunts. Rob turns around, and helps prop Wes up.
rob
Wes, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Wes begins to laugh.
WES
It's... it's all cool bud. All cool. I just had the craziest
dream.
Leah comes down the stairs nearby.
LEAH
What the fuck happened? Our booth is totally burnt down!
WES
Le..ah.
leah
What? Wes - are you alright?
wes
Been better. (Wes jolts) Ahh - my head.
The crew help Wes to his feet.
wes
How about we get out of here - I'll fill you in - but let's
just get out of here. Somewhere where we're not close to any crime scene, and
where a dog didn't just jump an elderly lady. Say, Parliament Hill?
LEAH
(incredulously)
What the hey! The day couldn't get any weirder as is anyways.
Need some help there buddy?
wes
I'll be fine. Thanks.
A homeless man, with an acoustic guitar, walks up.
briscoe
Hey look, it's Joe Malackay, famous musician!
joe malackay
Well boys, it looks like you learned your lessons. Rob and
the gang, you learned just how damaging your irresponsibility could be - for
irresponsibility under the guise of fun is what it has always been. Wes, you
learned to open up. And
Leah, you may have just found that special guy you were always looking for. As
for
me-
Parker walks on the set.
Parker
What the fuck is happening here? (At the homeless man) Who
the fuck are you?! Get out of here. Scoot! As for you guys - what the fuck is
this
with the fire on the other side? And what are you doing here? (Looking at Leah.)
rob
Well...
Parker
No, I don't want to hear about it Rob. I'm sick of this shit.
Don't think I never knew what kind of monkey show you were all pulling off for
months now. But this is too much.
You're all fired.
briscoe
But...
parker
No buts. You're all fired. Get out.
Gabe comes by.
Gabe
Hey "dawgs", looks like being losers finally caught up to you! Uh-huh! Oh and Leah... I thought we had something going. But you preferred being with these dopes. You were just the same as they are. So I talked to Joe - and you're now fired! Buh-bye. Mrmpgnn!
Gabe raises his fist. Briscoe looks at Leah.
LEAH
Meh. I was going to quit anyways. I fucking hated working for
those douche bags.
INT. tour boats. night.
The end credits roll by. There's footage supplementing the
credits: It's night, and the crew (Rob, Wes, Tour Guide, Briscoe, Leah, Kyle
and Jake) sneak into one of the tour boats. They're smoking weed.
There's a street kid sitting on the stairs opposite to them.
BRISCOE
Haha... Look at that loser kid. What if we just pointed at
them to piss them off?
Another kid comes down.
tour guide
Go right ahead. This is a one-sided window. You can see them,
they can't see you!
briscoe
Oh yeah, awesome.
tour guide
Look at that kid! Wow.
Another few come down. Wes takes a few puffs.
WES
Oh, here's another poser!
More kids.
kyle
That staircase is getting pretty full boys.
briscoe
Yep, that's alot of them. Hehe I can point at them and say
shit. Give them the fingers.
eXt. tour boat. night.
The camera looks inwards at the boat. Everyone is fully
visible.
int. tour boat. night.
rob
Wait... I don't think these are one-way windows.
(pause)
BRISCOE
Shit. Umm... you guys are for heading over to the nearest
pub?
Quickly?
The guys all quickly dismount from their position near the
windows.
end credits.
The end credits continue rolling. Big thanks to: Paul's
Boatlines. Special Thanks: Phone
Losers of America, Geek
Love Radio, Pat, Alex, Briscoe, Nate, thej3w, the "real" Rob.
INT. TV NEWS ROOM.
The end credits continue rolling.
news reporter
...Police describe the criminal assailant as being black. In
other news, a kiosk of a local boat tour company was found
burnt to the ground today. When our cameras presented themselves on-scene
however, they found something else. Simon Mercer has the full story. Simon?
Simon
Yes, Joan - When we showed up to cover the story, one of the
employees of that company was apparently busy fornicating with a tree. Here's
the footage.
The footage shows Gabe humping a tree.
Simon
It gets too graphic, and we had to cut the rest out.
NEWS REPORTER
Shocking. We have all types in this world, eh?
SIMON
Indeed we do.
At the end of the credits, there's a fade in-out of:
For Steve, Mike, Paul, and Eduardo.
ext. bench.
This is post-credits. Leah, Wes, Briscoe, Rob, the Tour
Guide, Kyle and Jake are all sitting on a bench. None of them are in their work
shirts.
briscoe
It sucks that we got fired.
rob
Yeah. No more selling weed over the counter.
The tour guide gets up, climbs into a double decker bus. Rob
goes into the bus company's kiosk. Kyle and Jake grab some flyers. Wes and
Briscoe climb into the bus, and Briscoe sits in the driver's seat.
Wes
Eh well.
tour guide
Good day ladies and gentlemen, and I would like to welcome on
this wonderful tour today!
THE END.