I don’t really remember when it started. I want to say I was 15 or 16. In any case, at some point during that time the panic attacks began. Almost every night, I would be overcome with a sensation of great unpleasantness, great anxiety, which would progress to a debilitating point. Then, ever so suddenly, all those sensations would vanish.
These attacks only ever occurred during the nighttime, and only in the comfort of my own bed. If I was I visiting elsewhere, I would usually be okay. I found out quickly that turning on lights helped to hamper the panic attacks. There was always a trigger. A specific thought that would bring these on, that I was never able to fully ignore.
The panic attacks went on for years. Sometimes I would try to punch myself in the head when I felt them coming on, to try to knock myself out – and stop this altogether. Yet throughout all of this, I never wanted to see the doctor. To be honest, I can’t explain now why I was so against it. Maybe I had falsely convinced myself that I could overcome this on my own. Maybe I was embarrassed of being an adult incapable of behaving as such.
Things changed after I met Jay. He was always there to comfort me when I had the attacks, and he would continuously express his desire for me to talk to my doctor about it. Then it took a turn for the worse. The panic attack got to the level where I vomited in bed. Finally, I realized that I couldn’t go on like this. I went to see my doctor.
My physician recommended two things. One, he put me on Cipralex, which is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. The other, he strongly suggested, was for me to see a specialized psychotherapist. I had told him about the trigger for the panic attacks, and he suggested that this type of therapist would be able help me address it directly.
I’ve since concluded my sessions with the therapist. Though he was helpful in other aspects of my life, I really was unable to address my trigger. He thought I might have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but if that’s the case I don’t believe that to be the source of it. It exacerbates the situation, but it’s not the trigger.
What did help was Cipralex. It took months for it to kick in for me, but finally, for the first time since these panic attacks started, I’ve had a week of uninterrupted sleep. It’s such a wonderful thing, to be able to rest, to be able to dream once more.
I’m closing this off to comments. My apologies.