Coming Out (Time #2)

I suppose I was a bit enigmatic with my previous post on Policing Bodies. Part of it was anger at a whole bunch of shit I had seen happen to others. Part of it was me expressing anger at what I felt was my inability to come out, but in doing so pretty much came out without being specific as to what.

So to be clear: I’m polyamorous. It’s an umbrella term for a form of consensual non-monogamy, in which a person can have multiple partners. There are as many forms of this as there are relationships, all being a little different. Some dynamics might involve having multiple romantic partners, some might involve one romantic partner and multiple sexual partners, some might involve one relationship having a greater time commitment compared to others, some might involve a more equal spread. There is no one formula.

I think the thing I appreciate most about being poly is that I get to have relationships in a way that feels right to me. I don’t have to follow a script – if it feels right to meet once a week, cuddle, and watch movies – I can. If it feels right to not have any sexual context, that’s fine too. Without a model to funnel me into, monogamy aside, the outside loses the ability to pressure certain expectations of what I should do.

I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship for a year and a half, but didn’t come out previously to non queer friends, even my most trusted ones. I was mostly monogamish anyways, I told myself. Plus I kept having bad experience after bad experience coming out elsewhere, and I thought it was better to not say anything.

Then I met this guy, purely by serendipity. And we started to date. And it’s been going great. And just like entering a serious gay relationship brought coming out to the forefront, so too did this. But I felt like I couldn’t, so I wrote that post.

Thank you for your words of support. They inadvertently started the ball rolling. On Tuesday I gave you the details JT. Then something unexpected happened that removed all hesitation. So after a quick check-in at home, I outed myself on Facebook.

I was told during one of those coming outs that this information had no place in the public sphere, that it belonged to the bedroom. I disagree very strongly with this, because these people are important relationships in my life, as important as a monogamous couple would attribute each partner.

I think it’s fucked up to erase the existence of a person. I understand why people stay in the closet, and I don’t fault them for it. I’m upset at the environment that made it so.

I can hear the “but they’re just not the same as a monogamous partner!” Really? They’re just as important to me. The funny thing is, and as you noted Tina when I ran into you today, this isn’t actually all that uncommon with queer couples.

Pretty much all my queer friends are poly. It’s a living, breathing network of people. It doesn’t work for everyone, and that’s cool too. It’s just another way through which to experience this world, and if it suits, great, if it doesn’t, great.

As a final bit, to come out completely:

Though I did come out as gay first, I actually identify as pansexual. This means that gender isn’t a factor in who I’m attracted to. It just so happens that I’ve always been with men (the mystery date is also a guy.) I don’t mind when I’m considered gay.

I’m currently spending lots of my time questioning how I see myself, in particular in relation to my body. I identify as male, that lines up with my sex, I use male pronouns, and have a mostly masculine gender expression. I don’t expect that to change. Nevertheless, there are parts of me that really don’t jive with that. So I’m exploring.

Holy shit that felt good.