George Carlin once opined:
People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a common purpose. ‘Cause pretty soon they have little hats.
He continued:
So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking.
George Carlin being interviewed by Jon Stewart.
I think he was right. In my experience, when you’re one on one with a stranger and they are among peers, they will almost always open their arms to you and treat you like a relative. They’ll want to talk and they’ll be kind. If you come with a smile and nothing else to identify you, they’ll assume that you’re like them.
There are triggers that can change all of that, where near-instantly they can become cruel. This has almost nothing to do with you; it’s about them and their formative experiences. That trigger can be anything; appearing gender non-conforming, holding hands with someone perceived to be of the same sex, or sharing views discordant with their own. If they’re in a group that can make everything worse.
All of this happens in the context of differences. We do not yet live in a world that teaches how to work with those. We don’t model healthy conflict resolution skills nor do we teach that people aren’t lesser for being different.
Instead, we portray resolving conflicts as hitting, screaming, name calling, breaking plates, making out – externalized and short lived things. Not as the hard work of being vulnerable, having uncomfortable conversations, and spending a lifetime getting better at it.
Likewise we only partially teach how to live with those who are different. In our society, differing eye colour is an acceptable form of diversity, but not gender presentation. Here we instill that such differences merits ridicule and exclusion, not the hard work of delving within our selves to question why we are uncomfortable with letting others thrive.
Introduce all of these shortcomings in a group setting, where accountability reduces with membership, where everyone is affected by the whims of the least measured, where abuse can serve as a social lubricant, and you see why I am cautious around groups. It’s a wonderful way to get to know individuals but also requires being cognizant of their triggers.
No one is immune to the pernicious effects of group mentality. In the context of conflicts over basic rights, where one side with power inflicts harm on the other while blocking effective recourse, it’s easy to forget that we all share common experiences like grief.
I think there’s a misconception that humanizing perpetrators enables their wrongs. It doesn’t. We can maintain our own worth, affirm boundaries, block harm, while continuing to work our spheres of influence as effectively as possible. We are better served when recognizing there are no monsters, only people acting monstrously, and that everyone has value. After all, we are all in this great experiment of life together.