I have heard a definition of addiction as being “an increasing and compulsive tendency to avoid, pain, boredom, silence, inner development, and moral responsibility by displacing it with outer stimulation.”
Jim John Payne, Being at your best when your kids are at their worst
I’ve been having a good few weeks. I took a five hour trip to Midland to attend their Butter Tart festival. I’ve been on the water with my kayak. I’ve gone to the Fringe Festival and watched a friend perform a one-person show. I went to a small town to watch another pal sing. I attended both Asian night markets. I ate delicious ice cream at a queer vegan snack event. The Great Glebe Garage Sale was a hoot. I participated in a Jeep meet. There’s more I’m forgetting.
But also, I’ve spent maybe half of my spare time on my phone. TikTok. Facebook. Instagram. Amazon. Twitter. Instagram. TikTok. Repeat.
I don’t think time on these apps is inherently bad. What channel surfing was to the nineties, TikTok is now. That distraction serves a need. The problem is that for me, after the initial daily period of their use, these apps cease being about connection or relaxation. Rather it’s an automatic behaviour whose absence makes me physically uncomfortable.
I think part of the increasing appeal of my phone was attributed to diminishing returns on other ways to fill my time. Finding new music that tickles me is increasingly infrequent, because I’ve had time to discover a whole bunch already. I’ve caught up to watching all of the movies of the past decades. Video games are providing experiences that I’ve had before. The more books I read, the less likely they’re to say anything novel. I’ve gotten to explore almost all major places across North America. Getting older means I’ve had time to do all of this. Exploring food has been one of the exceptions, but that resulted in an unhappy relationship that I’m also working on. I have no little people to take care of too.
Perhaps the most alarming thing with my phone usage for me has been how time slipped away. Afternoons turned into evenings, evenings into night, seemingly in the blink of an eye. The absence of boredom starved me of the passage of time, of moments to just think and make important realizations. Without boredom, other projects become less enticing.
It’s hobbled two activities I’ve been trying to to accomplish – finish reading Tegan & Sara’s book High School, and completing my screenplay. So I’ve been practicing leaving my phone away from me. I’ll keep doing this.
I don’t know if calling this an addiction is appropriate, but it certainly feels like one to me.