A few months ago, I mentioned that I was likely terminating my journey with the fertility clinic after being with them for ten years. I signed the paperwork last week; it’s done. There is now a zero chance of having biological children.
Perhaps because I had so many months to reflect on it, I didn’t feel anything in the moment of doing so that I hadn’t already been feeling for months. In that previous post I sounded pretty messed up. Right now, I just feel an emptiness and acceptance.
I thought acceptance meant happiness. I’m not happy, but I’m also not sad. I just feel sorrow. I don’t have it figured out, but I’m trucking on. That’s acceptance.
I also just had my 39th birthday. I have no idea what my forties will look like now. We’ll find out together. I just know that I want to be an active participant for it. I don’t want to wait for opportunities, I want to make them. Despite the blows of an affordability crisis and worsening working conditions.
The photo accompanying this post is of the stars that I took last weekend.