Well, things are good. I’m healthy. I have a good job. Physics, for better or worse, is over. I have no sorrows; no ennemies; no quarrels with friends.
But I can’t bring myself to smile. Here, I am, living – but I feel so empty. It is as if I have nothing to look forward to. Just a repetition of days past. Life feels like a never ending cycle.
Sure, that’s how its meant to be. But its also meant to be with spice – a love… a travel… something that changes… a life that’s not the same day #1 than it is day #245.
Else one doesn’t see the point of life.
I’ve resolved to travel. I haven’t had a week off in at least 4 years. But university is so expensive; taking a week off of work… or even an extra few days off – is irresponsible. Fine then – no travel. Being in love would be dandy – but… well that can’t be something one decides. There was a girl. We went out. For 2 years. We kissed. We played around. We did more. Buut she didn’t love me (something which she never expressed while proactively kissing me).
At one point I thought I had my days off to look forward to. But that ended up being a source of mental torture – for reasons I can’t explain here. Let’s just say that a few people were intent on removing any joy I had of my days off. That reinforced with the fact that physics took all my free time up.
So that sucks. I’m in a deadlock. I want out. Its my fault though – I’m hindering it somehow. I just don’t know how.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. My days off should be mine soon. I’ll be able to get projects underway – there’s a few websites I told myself I would do for people. There’s this special thing I’m doing for my mom. But despite that, the days still feel shallow.
Comments
3 responses to “Blearh.”
Julien,
As you get older, you will notice that a lot of days are just repetitive days.
At least you are seeing that now and can recognize the need to appreciate every single day. You should always do something every day to make you remember that day and know that you did something you enjoyed that day.
You are doing a lot of prep work for the future and it will payoff. Just hang in there.
Do try to get that thing done for your mom. They aren’t around forever.
Love will come, just give it time and be open to it when it does.
Go read a somewhat new book called “Hello To All That”. It’s a memoir of a guy who was uber depressed but after getting some treatment forges some papers and becomes a war journalist. Even though he knows absolutely nothing about it. Allot of the book talks about how you are feeling and should give some comfort. I high recommend it, it’s a great story either way. My public library is very small and they had it. Shouldn’t be hard for you to find.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0805072187/
Use the search through the book fuction to read the first chapter or so.
Thanks guys. It means alot.
Kizzle, I’m going to see if I can find that book at my local Library.