This is how the story goes: trans girl knows from birth she is trans. One day, she comes out to herself. She changes up her hair, gets on HRT, trains her voice to sound different, and within weeks to months she starts getting gendered correctly by strangers. New people in her life might not even know she’s trans at all. She has bottom surgery and she barely gets misgendered.
This is not my story. I’ve been on HRT for years and have had bottom surgery, and I cannot remember the last time I was gendered correctly by a stranger. At one point I used to be harassed for being androgynous, but now everyone just assumes I’m a dude including trans people. I recognize that shuffle queer women and transmascs do when I’m nearby, that walk that’s one step faster, the thing we do when we feel a touch threatened by cisgender men being around. I recognize those eyes trans women give when they are interacting with me at their work place and how they aren’t those eyes that you save for when you recognize one of us. I recognize that talk of oh this must be for your girlfriend.
Trans people are so sure that I’m a man that they’ll use he/him pronouns without even thinking to ask. They’ll do it even when I spend a lot of time femming up and wearing my best dress. Trans men are so sure that people like me don’t belong that they pull shit like this on Twitter:
I am invisible.
Fighting for that visibility hurts. It’s at the point that I’ve stopped correcting cis people who misgender me, because dealing with their response hurts more than staying silent. And for what? They almost never change and I won’t ever cross paths with them again. Only when I have to – like when the insurance person questioned me because I had an “F” on my documents – do I bother. And then there’s my name. Miles? Midas? They always go for male names.
What hurts me more though are trans people around me respond to all of this. Like the trans woman beside me who asked me if I liked being misgendered after the waitress gendered her correctly, but not me, and I hadn’t stood up for myself. Of course not; it’s a reminder that I don’t have a place here.
Or the trans women when I was recovering from surgery who upon hearing my lament deconstructed my appearance and all the ways I don’t fit into stereotypes of femininity. That made me feel worse, thank you.
Or all the imagery from queer events, especially those run by queer women and transmascs, where bodies like mine aren’t ever seen on their Instagram posts. Or heck, even queer businesses – it’s almost always queer women and transmasculine folk working the cash and socializing together. The messaging is that bodies like mine don’t belong.
Here’s the thing: I’m not going to change. I am not your svelte twenty-something trans chick. I am read as a man and I am a woman. One does not invalidate the other, any more than it would for a cis woman. What needs to change isn’t me, but the assumptions that others make. I don’t expect better from cis people, but I sure as shit do from trans and non-binary folk – especially you transmasc people.
I try to give a positive spin on posts that deal with hardship. But this isn’t your feel good porn. Sometimes, shit sucks, it’s really isolating, and it’s just as important to acknowledge.
The results disseminated through Twitter seconds ahead of the live stream. My friend looked at their phone “Oh fuck – Connor says ‘I’m sorry’.” A young adult in the room with us started to cry. The video feed caught up. We heard weeping over the computer speakers from the youth at General Synod.
Though 80% of laity, and 73% of clergy had approved the changes to the marriage canon to recognize same-sex marriage in the Anglican church, the 66% threshold required of the bishops had failed by two votes.
My mind darted to the queer and trans youth who had gone up during the preceding debate to plead their worth in a display of great vulnerability. I thought of the older people who followed them, never recognizing the youth as one of their own or their words as worthy of contemplation. They began with pronouncements of “we welcome GTBL people but…” and went on to cite ex-gays and angrily claiming the injustice of the dwindling appetite for their message of exclusion.
These are the voices the vote favoured. Not the youth. Not the pastor who shared the collateral damage of such exclusion when he had to explain to his young child why his husband wasn’t welcome at the Lambeth Conference like all the other parents.
A comforting hand came to mine, but to be honest, I was fine. I was habituated to hearing grown men and women demean people like me and witnessing that kind of ignorance prevail timeaftertime. What I wasn’t used to was the anguish of the young queers whose hearts had yet to be covered with emotional scars. Their pain from this rejection was palpable. For some of them, same-sex marriage had been legal in Canada since before they were born. This wasn’t some theological exercise that had emerged in their later years. It was a vote about their worth in a debate that had gone on their entire existence.
This was not the answer they deserved.
For those fourteen bishops who voted against this canonical amendment, this may well have been a Pyrrhic victory. That same-sex marriages went ahead across diocese in this land three years ago gave hope in the midst of grief. But those tremendously important gestures are being eclipsed by this conclusion. The message it sends is amplified by the homophobia and transphobia that is so prominent in other Christian denominations as well as evidently our own.
I just keep thinking, I wonder if these Bishops who voted no are the ones who are constantly complaining about church growth? About lack of young people in their pews? About how we need to evangelize more? Well bishops, you had your chance here and you blew it.
I have the privilege of being involved in young adult and LGBTQ ministries, and young people don’t want to go to a church where they can’t bring their queer friend. Queer people have been traumatized at the hands of the church and yearning for a spiritual home.
Because though this is just a decision about marriage, and individual dioceses can still bless same sex unions, making a decision like this tells LGBTQ people that we are not welcome, by not including us in every aspect of ministry you are telling us we are less than.
U want ur church to live? Great! Bc I know queers who are more devout, caring, and committed to living out the gospel than most str8 Christians! But guess what they can’t come to church because they’re too traumatized by this institution that constantly invalidates them.
I conclude with the words of one of the queer and trans youth that spoke at General Synod before the vote took place:
We have been called in countless passages of the Bible to love one another as God has loved us: unconditionally. Not the type of love that includes a but or if like how my cousin said that she would love me if I went to conversion therapy. Yeah that’s not love. Love is simply I love you. Period.
…
How can we claim to love our neighbour by denying them the right to one of our greatest sacraments. The answer is that we can’t. We have a choice today to peel off old bark, as trees do, to grow into something beautiful and new, or to remain in our old traditions that contribute to the marginalization and oppression of people in our community and around the world.
We will not have unity in our church as long as we marginalize and oppress a large group of Christians. Nobody should ever feel unsafe or scared to come to a place of worship. No one should feel unsafe to come to a place of worship.
To my LGBTQ2+ siblings and family,
Remember that we are created in the image and the likeness of God, and no matter what happens tonight, we are all beloved children of God and I hope that today our love will be affirmed by the churches we call home.
Thank you.
Addendum: I wanted to speak to the pain of the youth who participated in Synod in this article. However, here’s a thing to note through this same vote – more Anglican laity (80%) and roughly as many Anglican clergy (73%) supported same-sex marriage than Canadians as a whole (74%). Even the bishops’ 62% support is ahead of where Canadians as a whole were at in 2005 (42%).
Hitting a partner until they cry is against the law in Canada. As is striking an animal. The same needs to be true of taking swings at children. That the perpetrators blame the children for hitting them shouldn’t pass as an excuse. That defenders of this practice use the euphemism of “spanking” instead shouldn’t fly either. This abuse is illegal in 55 countries as it ought to be in Canada. Instead it’s explicitly permissible by law in Section 43.
Since at least 1994, advocates have been trying repeal that section. There was a constitutional challenge. However, in 2004 the Supreme Court ruled in favour of upholding the section. In their ruling they set that assaulting children with objects wasn’t permissible, only using hands to strike them, and they prohibited taking swings at infants or teenagers. Bill S-21 was then introduced in 2004 to repeal the law. It died on the floor. In 2015, the Liberal government stated they would repeal the law. They did no such thing during their tenure. Senate Public Bill S-206 was introduced in 2015 to repeal the law. It was killed by delay. This needs to be a government bill to have a chance to pass in this environment.
Violence against children, including corporal punishment, is a violation of the rights of the child. It conflicts with the child’s human dignity and the right of the child to physical integrity. It also prevents children from reaching their full potential, by putting at risk their right to health, survival and development. The best interests of the child can never be used to justify such practice.
There’s no popular movement to push this. Nonetheless, Section 43 has to be repealed.
Happiness for me requires some intentionality. I’ve found that I can’t choose to be happy, but that I can make a number of choices that make it easier to be happy. I’ve listed some of these below:
How I interpret interactions with others affects my happiness. I have attachment issues as a result of dysfunctional relationships with my family of origin. This has warped my perception of interactions predisposing myself to believe that I am unlovable and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Becoming aware and addressing the way I draw conclusions from interactions has greatly helped my mental health and contributed to my happiness.
How I regulate my emotions affects my happiness. Cutting, hitting myself, drinking, binge eating, and sexual encounters with strangers without proper safety precautions have all been part of my repertoire to soothe myself. Finding ways to regulate my emotions without undermining my well being contributed to my happiness.
How I manage conflicts affects my happiness. On-going tensions can elicit feelings of sadness, frustration and anger throughout the week. Addressing conflicts directly and setting limits where resolution isn’t possible contributes to my happiness.
How I structure time with friends affects my happiness. I don’t seek to recreate special moments or pine for the closeness of the past. It’s never as special the second time and hoping to be close again is less appealing than the reality of the present but is an empty promise. Instead, I hang out with friends as if I may never see them again, I seek out those who share the desire to spend time with me, and I try to make each encounter unique in some way as to create lasting memories. Appreciating the present contributes to my happiness.
How I prioritize sleep affects my happiness. I feel better when I have at least eight hours of uninterrupted rest at night. Scheduling my evenings such that I can get to bed at a reasonable hour and having no screens within reach after bed time contributes to my happiness.
What I choose to keep inside affects my happiness. Being closeted and silent on my mistreatment out of concern for the perpetrators was suffocating. Being candid, living my truth, speaking to a therapist, and blogging contributed to my happiness.
How I prioritize my spending affects my happiness. I am more content when I do not have my finances weighing on my mind. Aggressively paying down debts and aiming to save enough funds to carry me through a job loss contributes to my happiness.
What values I choose to elevate affect my happiness. I have body image issues related to my weight and gender presentation. Removing myself from almost all social media, following fat-positive insta feeds, reading zines and queer comics, ignoring television, the news, shitty magazines, and staying away from people who make pronouncements on bodies contributes to my happiness.
How I approach uncertainty affects my happiness. The most important contributors to my happiness such as starting hormone replacement therapy, moving places, breaking up, undergoing surgeries, quitting unpleasant jobs, and getting my first car all involved leaping into the unknown. This was very difficult for me as I’m so routine-oriented, I lacked support, and there was never any assurance it would make things better. Approaching uncertainty by accepting the worst outcome as an opportunity in its own right and being mindful that there’s no better time than the now enabled me to make these life decisions that greatly contributed to my happiness.
How I approach my goals affects my happiness. I write a list of objectives that can be accomplished in the short, medium and long term. Then I schedule what I can in manageable pieces. I also periodically remove goals I won’t realistically accomplish. This approach has helped me attain life goals which has contributed to my happiness.
How much screen time I choose to get affects my happiness. I used to lose hours every day to mindless surfing. Time that would have been much more satisfying spent writing, reading, cooking, or pretty much anything else. I got rid of my watch, desktop computer, game console, and almost all social media accounts. I charge my phone away from my bed, got rid of the YouTube app so now I have to use the more inconvenient browser, picked up a laptop that I rarely use, and got speakers with a voice assistant. Having less screen time contributes to my happiness.
How much I own affects my happiness. I used to feel owned by my stuff. For the past five years I’ve had a rule that if I didn’t use it in the last year, I got rid of it. It was hard, but I got rid of almost all my books in the process. I have two small boxes for sentimental things. On my last move everything fit in the back of a pickup truck in a single trip. It might take two trips now but I feel much freer and this has contributed to my happiness.
How I tackle cleaning affects my happiness. I find it easier to feel good when my place and body are both clean but I find it hard to do when there’s too much at once. So I clean my kitchen as a I cook throughout the week and I dedicate Saturday mornings to cleaning while listening to music and drinking coffee. This sets up a happier week.
There’s a common refrain that money does not buy happiness. I disagree. It’s just that spending money indiscriminately or to keep up with peers is not a recipe for happiness. However things like therapy, living arrangements, cooking ingredients, a vehicle, medication, surgeries, goods (typewriters!), clothes – all cost money and can all make it easier to feel happy.
I don’t want to suggest through this that happiness is a choice. It’s not. Diseases of the brain like depression and economic inequality are not a choice and these are far more impactful. Perhaps though some of the lessons I learned above to help foster happiness in myself will resonate with you.
This article has been updated to include events of the summer.
Since the late nineties, organized antagonists of gender and sexual minorities were largely Christians or affiliated with major conservative political parties. The dynamics have changed. In the past few years, there’s been a rise of nationalist groups across Canada and they have been inserting themselves in spaces created by these anti-gay and anti-trans voices. They are going to Pride with the intent to intimidate and harass gender and sexual minorities, as well as attending events that advocate to institutionalize the oppression of these minorities.
In June 2019, nationalists under the banner of Yellow Vest went to the Hamilton Pride event. Some had body armor. They joined up with the anti-gay Christians that had showed up to harass members of the gender and sexually diverse community. In response, queer people put up a black cloth fence and blew whistles to drown out the hateful rhetoric. The nationalists then attacked with punches.
Nationalists at Hamilton Pride 2019.
A week later in Toronto, men wearing shirts that said “Canadian Nationalist Party” and Christian t-shirts attacked people in the Eaton Centre during the Dyke March. The men were shouting anti-gay slurs and saying they were going to the gay village in Toronto. The timing isn’t a coincidence. One of the attackers in Toronto is the man seen with the body armor in the photo from the attack at Hamilton Pride above.
A man wearing a helmet with a shirt that says “Jesus Christ is King of Kings Lord of Lords” goes to punch a queer person in the Eaton Centre. The man behind him with the helmet and body armor is the same one pictured attacking people during Hamilton Pride.
A homophobic preacher (black clothes, standing) and a Yellow Vest member (right, blue) harass children and young families at a Pride storytelling event in Ottawa.
Meanwhile in June 2019, members of the Soldiers of Odin were front and center at an anti-trans rally in Vancouver. The Soldiers of Odin is an nationalist group founded by a self-declared neo-Nazi in Finland in 2015 and developed multiple chapters in Canada by the summer of 2016. The rally was to oppose SOGI 123 which is a set of policies, resources and curriculum to create welcoming schools for students with diverse sexual orientations and gender identities.
Soldiers of Odin visible by the “S.O.D.” patch at an anti-trans rally in Vancouver. The speaker to their right runs the website Transanity.
A member of the People’s Party uses a loud speaker to harass those attending a Pride flag raising in Surrey.
Then in May 2019 on Vancouver Island, the Soldiers of Odin attended the event “The Erosion of Freedom: How transgender politics in school and society is undermining our freedom and harming women and children”, to act as the body guards for its presenter.
An advertisement for the anti-trans event on its presenter’s website, Transsanity.
Anti-LGBTQ march in the heart of Toronto’s gay village, with a banner for the People’s Party at the front.
The introduction of nationalists in Canada is new and it makes the situation more hostile to gender and sexual minorities in attendance. But it’s not a radical departure from how things were already. Even without nationalists at their side, conservatives and Christians have been disrupting events intended for gender and sexual minorities. For Haldimand-Norfolk Pride, they installed themselves in front of the stage with a loudspeaker. In Ottawa, the same group protested WinterPride, while previously another individual disrupted a support group for parents of trans youth, and another bunch harassed families during a picnic at Pride.
Homophobic Christians disrupting the Haldimand-Norfolk Pride in May 2018. Note the handheld loudspeaker.
Google Trends indicates that interest in nationalist groups in Canada such as the Proud Boys and Soldiers of Odin started in the 2016-2017 time frame. This matches Donald Trump’s presidency and Trump hats were visible in both the Hamilton and Vancouver events mentioned at the start of this article. The Canadian Nationalist Party was founded in 2017. The People’s Party of Canada was founded in 2018.
An official video from the Canadian Nationalist Party saying that being gay shouldn’t be normalized, same-sex marriage should be put to a referendum, and that Pride parades should be defunded.
Also keep in mind that it’s really only a small core group of antagonists at the heart of all of these events. It’s the same few nationalists that attacked people during the Toronto and Hamilton Pride events and that harassed children and young families at the Ottawa Pride event. It’s the same group of Christians that crashed Pride in Ottawa, Hamilton, Haldimand-Norfolk. It’s the same speaker at the anti-trans rally in Vancouver and who did anti-SOGI talks on Vancouver Island. These antagonists seem bigger than they are because they go to so many events and physically impose themselves. But at the end of the day, they are a fringe group vastly outnumbered by the gender and sexual minorities they are harassing.
Still, this doesn’t negate the harm they are able to accomplish. There needs to be an organized response to protect those who attend the events with a focus on minimizing the impact on the participants. This means blocking harmful messaging and discouraging conflict escalation. To that end, The 519’s mobilization kit is a welcome initiative, as was the noise makers and cloth wall seen used at Hamilton Pride. Calgary Pride is an example of the tactics learned from Hamilton in action.
Twitter post from Calgary Pride.
There also, however, needs to be a response on behalf of the media and politicians. In particular, they must acknowledge that this white Christian nationalist moment is harmful. Gender and sexual minorities shouldn’t have to be alone in this. They must also recognize that giving these white nationalists a platform is a choice that bridges the gap to the mainstream.
