Maëlys McArdle

Category: Life

Every other post.

Life Changes & New Home

A number of things have happened on the personal front in the last little while. Beyond the gender fuckery, my three year long relationship came to an end. Actually “ending” isn’t so much the right term as “evolved into a state of awesome friendship.” My other relationship also came to a close.

As part of that whole shebang, I moved into a new place two Saturdays ago. A big shout out goes to the friends that helped me move and clean!

And this place really needed that cleaning.

The oven had trays in it full of food with so much mould that it was eating at the metal. The entire unit reeked. The bathroom was just filthy. Vents were clogged with a thick layer of dirt. So too was each window screen. Some how, every single wall, cabinet interior, and appliance was peppered with stains and/or marks. It was clear that the previous tenant had never bothered to clean the apartment during their own stay.

This place also needed some fixing up.

Covers for electrical sockets and light switches were broken or missing. The sockets themselves weren’t installed properly. Internet was delivered through a broken surface mount box exposing its lose wiring. The rod on which the toilet paper roll rests was missing. The towel rack was loose. The laminate on a kitchen cabinet door was peeling off. The crisper in the fridge had huge cracks. The floor reducer between the two rooms was just broken off wood at the ends and laid loosely on the ground. The top of the window sill was pulling away from the wall exposing the insulation beneath. Power was shoddily delivered across rooms using an extension cord.

That said, the place had and has lots going for it.

The apartment’s location is as close to perfect as you can get in this town for an urban-dweller. Rent is dirt cheap and includes hydro. But it’s not just that. There are beautiful brick and stone walls, and a tunnel! The tunnel is sealed off, but it would have previously led to the building next door. It’s now my pantry. Nice French doors separate the living space from the bedroom. There’s a really good washing machine and dryer next to my unit that accepts debit/credit. The unit itself is also well insulated from neighbours sound-wise, though the pipes running through the apartment are constantly buzzing.

Plus this building has Herman the cat.

What this place needed was just a bit of work.

That started before I moved in. I removed the food in the oven and aerated the place for a few days. My ex-now-best-friend began to paint the rooms. Then on move day, friends helped clean things like the bathtub and surrounding tiles. We also got rid of the shoddy bookshelves that had been installed against the walls. BFF applied bolt cutters to the padlocks that had prevented me from opening up my windows. Over the following days, I just started to clean.

It took me two days to clean the bathroom, three for the kitchen, and the rest has been an ongoing process. I got rid of the broken tall mirror and the extension cable that delivered power across the room. I threw away the oversized curtains that become no more than dust collectors. I replaced all the covers for the electrical sockets. I contacted the ISP to replace the broken surface mount box. I used a mending plate and fixed the window sill. I tightened the bathroom towel rack. I got a replacement rod for the toilet paper dispenser. I glued the loose cabinet cover back on.

I did some painting. I perked up the bathroom with a bright shower curtain and some new wares. I procured a new table set and shelving. I installed wall lighting and mirrors for decoration. I put up all the art I had.

Now, the place looks pretty damn nice. There’s still work to do: the floor reducer needs to be replaced, there’s more painting in my future, as well as a dehumidifier. But it feels like a home.

You might wonder where the landlord was in all of this.

I kind of gave up on day one. They were unresponsive via email leading up to my getting the place, and meeting them in person on the official move day did not inspire any further confidence.

They passed me a wad with a dozen keys and stated that they hadn’t checked the apartment but they were sure it was fine. They made it clear that if any appliance malfunctioned, I’d have to jump through hoops to get it looked at. When I asked which of these keys was for the front door of the building; they said that I’d have to figure it out and promptly left me at the entrance.

Meanwhile, you walk by a bunch of construction materials on the way to my apartment, still untouched since my first visit over a month ago. A note beside the washer/dryer is dated 2008.

So yeah, I’m on my own. But that’s okay! As far as I’m concerned, that these landlords have zero interest in their buildings means that I have greater flexibility on what I can do with it. That’s actually really liberating.

The pictures of the new place are found below.

August 24, 2013
A Baby Step Improvement
The company I work for has an employee assistance program through its insurance policy. It’s a self-help website with material focused around health and well-being.

A year and some ago, I approached them about their stuff on queer and trans issues. It was just a mess. In particular, their articles touching trans issues were so bad as to risk causing harm if consulted. The worst of the bunch was one called Transexuality, transgenderism and sexual identity.

There was silence, and I contacted them again in February of this year. In the months since, there has been some back and forth. I explained to them a few times why the information was offensive and harmful. They would thank me, give me some details that helped elucidate matters from their end, and promise updates.

Well, the changes finally came through. They removed all articles pertaining to queer issues except for two, one being an updated version of the cited problem article. The article meanwhile was reduced by two thirds, definitions were plagiarized from a better website, and the rest of the content was reworded.

It was clear to me that no one with experience in trans issues was involved in the writing of these articles. Through our communication I learned that they didn’t always vet articles by experts, and that this article was put together by a copywriter. I offered them resources to professionals, but they never took me up on that.

So I’ll post the original and revised articles below, and go into what was so bad about the original one, and what changed with the revised version.

The Original Article
Transexuality, transgenderism and sexual identity

Overview

Understanding transexuality, transgenderism and sexual identity
- Basic terms and definitions
- Sexual orientation and gender
- Sexual orientation and transgenderism
- Supporting a transgendered or transsexual co-worker
The difference between transexuality, transgenderism, and sexual orientation can be confusing. It’s important, therefore, to understand the differences in order to fully understand the need for some people to bring their external appearance into line with their internal gender identity.

Let’s begin by examining the basic terms and definitions surrounding the subject.

Basic terms and definitions
- Gender. How society, biology, or culture defines “male” and “female.”
- Gender identity. How an individual defines his or her gender.
- Gender role. Rules assigned by society that define what clothing, behaviours, thoughts, feelings, relationships, etc. are considered appropriate and inappropriate for members of a given gender. Classifications of “masculine,” “feminine,” or “unisex” vary by class, culture, location, occasion, as well as other factors
- Transgender. An individual who defines his or her gender identity as opposite from his or her biological identity at birth. For example, a man who was born with male genitalia and identifies his gender as “female” or vice versa.
- Transexual. Similar to transgendered, a transsexual associates him or herself with a gender identity opposite from his or her biological identity at birth, but undergoes sexual reassignment surgery to change gender. An example is the 1970s tennis star Dr. Richard Raskind who was born “male” but felt “female.” He underwent sexual reassignment surgery to become physically female — Dr. Renee Richards. Other notable transsexual people include photographer Christine Jorgenson (born George William Jorgenson Jr.), writer Jan Morris (born James Morris) and musician Wendy (born Walter) Carlos
- RLT. Stands for Real Life Training and means a transgendered individual wishing to undergo sexual reassignment surgery must live as the member of their preferred sex for a period of time prior to having surgery.
- SRS. Sex Reassignment Surgery. After successfully completing the RLT stage, a transgendered person completes the final stage in aligning his or her internal and external gender.
Sexual orientation and gender

According to the Kinsey Reports, sexuality is not a fixed state and is prone to change over time. Instead of three categories (heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual), the Kinsey Report used a eight-category system. The Kinsey scale ranked sexual behaviour from 0 to 6, with 0 being completely heterosexual and 6 completely homosexual. A 1 is considered predominantly heterosexual and only incidentally homosexual, a 2 mostly heterosexual and more than incidentally homosexual, a 3 equally homosexual and heterosexual, and so on. An additional category X was created for those who experienced no sexual desire. The majority of us land on the heterosexual side of the scale, while one in 10 will identify as homosexual. In between are those who identify as bisexual.

Simply put, sexual orientation refers to the gender to which we are sexually attracted.

Gender, on the other hand, is the physical appearance and internal wiring that makes us either male or female. Unfortunately, nature sometimes doesn’t align our internal wiring with our external appearance. The result is someone who experiences a disconnection between his or her inside sense of self and gender and external, physical characteristics. The physical package may say male but their sense of self may say female or vice versa. These people are labelled as being “transgendered”

Sexual orientation and transgenderism

It is important to separate sexual orientation from transgenderism. Sexual orientation is the direction of our sexual interest – our sexual attraction to members of the opposite sex, the same sex, or both sexes. Transgenderism has nothing to do with the choice of sex partner.

For example, a transgendered male attracted to females will still be attracted to females after sexual reassignment surgery. He will go from being described as a straight male to a lesbian female. Consequently, a male attracted to males will continue to be attracted to males following sexual reassignment surgery and will go from being described as a gay man to a straight woman.

This may be a little confusing but if we keep in mind that orientation is about whom we are sexually attracted to, gender is how our individual physical and internal wiring dictates whether we are male or female, and that gender role is how we appear physically externally, then we can begin to better understand the issue. We can then see that transgenderism and transexuality is merely correcting a disconnect between the external appearance and internal self.

Most transsexual people will only feel whole when their internal self matches their external appearance.

Supporting a transgendered or transsexual co-worker

It can be confusing when a person with whom we have worked begins to transform into the opposite gender. Often ignorance and myth are the cause of much fear, anxiety and discrimination. We are, after all, human, and humans generally fear the unknown. Sometimes we feel tricked by the transgendered person, believing that he or she has betrayed us by keeping such an important secret.

Some of us may fear that a colleague’s gender change will result in a change in sexual orientation and that we may become targets of the transgendered person’s affection. Many of us are afraid we’ll say or do something that will result in a distancing from a person to whom we were once close. In some ways we are grieving the loss of someone we knew and are having to get reacquainted with that person all over again.

All of these reactions are normal.

Co-workers and friends of a transgendered individual need to keep in mind that sexual reassignment is not a decision anyone makes lightly. It is difficult and requires courage. It’s important to understand that while your transgendered colleague’s outward appearance may be changing, he or she remains the same inside. He or she has the same personality, the same sense of humour, the same professional skills and qualifications. If we care about that person, we need to respect his or her decision and understand that this isn’t about making a statement, but rather about feeling a complete – and correct – human being.

It is also important to respect our co-worker’s right to privacy as he or she makes the transition. We can ask questions, but the most important one is “Is it okay for me to ask about the process?” Don’t ignore what is happening. For a transgendered person, ignoring this life affirming change will result in him or her feeling as though you either don’t care or that you have a problem with the situation.

Don’t be afraid of being awkward. It’s normal to feel a little awkward when we are presented with a new situation. Be respectful, be supportive, remain interested, and your colleague’s transformation may just change your life as well.
What’s So Wrong With The Original?

Let’s start with the fact that they get the gendering and pronouns wrong. Let me just say that a woman is a woman, irrespective of any medical history. Irrespective of outward appearance. Irrespective of genital configuration. She is a woman if she says she’s a woman.

This article starts to get things wrong starting right with the definitions. For “transgender”, they say “For example, a man who was born with male genitalia and identifies his gender as ‘female’ or vice versa.”

They’re describing a woman. Yet they call her “a man”, use the pronouns “his”, and put “female” in quotation marks. Everything about this says that they don’t really think she’s a woman. She’s a man. Using the wrong pronouns alone can be very hurtful when dealing with someone, but this takes it a step beyond. This is not a good start to get people with no exposure in the right mindset.

The next set of examples, in the definition for “transexual”, are equally bad:

An example is the 1970s tennis star Dr. Richard Raskind who was born “male” but felt “female.” He underwent sexual reassignment surgery to become physically female — Dr. Renee Richards. Other notable transsexual people include photographer Christine Jorgenson (born George William Jorgenson Jr.), writer Jan Morris (born James Morris) and musician Wendy (born Walter) Carlos

Again, everything here serves to de-legitimise the person’s gender identity. The tennis star is not referred to by her actual name, but by her masculine birth name. It says that she “felt” female, and that “he” (wrong pronoun) underwent surgery to become “physically” female. Again and again, a denial of her womanhood.

Then it goes on to cite other examples of famous trans people, feeling it necessary to put their birth names there. Tip: don’t bring up people’s birth names – ever – unless they gave you explicit permission to do so.

They go on to define “real life training”, which ignores the reality that every day is real life training. It’s rooted in an antiquated approach by the medical establishment to dealing with trans people. It’s also based on very strict gender roles for what a “man” or “woman” ought to dress and behave like.

Finally, it’s the definition for sexual reassignment surgery (SRS), which they call “the final stage in aligning his or her internal and external gender.” Which is of course just plain wrong. Some people will go through SRS. Some won’t ever. But the identity of both are equally just as valid.

You are more than just your genitals. Something that this article gets wrong time after time.

After definitions, the article discusses orientation. They mean to say that sexual orientation and gender are independent. That’s a good message. However, they do so invoking the Kinsey scale and bringing up the long disproved statistic that 1-in-10 people are gay. Whatever though.

What’s troubling are their examples in this section, where they get it all wrong:

For example, a transgendered male attracted to females will still be attracted to females after sexual reassignment surgery. He will go from being described as a straight male to a lesbian female. Consequently, a male attracted to males will continue to be attracted to males following sexual reassignment surgery and will go from being described as a gay man to a straight woman.

With the first example, what they mean to say is that a trans woman attracted to women will still be attracted to women. She will go from being described as a lesbian woman to a lesbian woman.

Let’s unpack this first example, because the subtext is what’s quite harmful. First off, remember that a woman is a woman. If you put “trans” in front of it, she’s still a woman. But they call her a “transgendered male” because the person was likely assigned male at birth. And according to whoever wrote this article, what makes the difference is your genitals – notice how she wasn’t recognized as a lesbian woman until after she had SRS?

This example gets the definition for trans man/woman reversed, and their gender identity isn’t respected until “the surgery.” That’s a really harmful message to propagate, because it suggests that all those men and women aren’t there aren’t real unless we can peek down their pants.

But that’s not the worse of it. That comes in the next section on support:

It can be confusing when a person with whom we have worked begins to transform into the opposite gender. Often ignorance and myth are the cause of much fear, anxiety and discrimination. We are, after all, human, and humans generally fear the unknown. Sometimes we feel tricked by the transgendered person, believing that he or she has betrayed us by keeping such an important secret.

Some of us may fear that a colleague’s gender change will result in a change in sexual orientation and that we may become targets of the transgendered person’s affection.

…

All of these reactions are normal.

These reactions are not okay. Again let’s unpack.

The article says that fear and ignorance drive discrimination, but then justifies it with “we are, after all, human.” They say that it’s a normal reaction to feel “tricked” and “betrayed” by a trans person for being themselves.

The more disturbing one is the expressed “fear” that we could be the “targets of the transgendered person’s affection.” Why is this even in there at all? And why the use of the words “fear” and “target”? Oh, because the affection of a person isn’t the same if they have a trans background. Right.

This article normalizes hostile behaviour towards trans people (“we are, after all, human”). It uses language like “fear”, “target”, “tricked”, “betrayed” when discussing a trans person for just existing. This is what makes this article harmful. It’s subtle – look at the vocabulary used – but it promotes a way to frame the issue that’s hurtful for trans folk.

The messaging towards the end of the article gets better. It states that people are still the same they’ve always been. That’s important. But it also screws is up once again. It equates being trans with surgery – perpetuating the destructive idea that it’s your genitals are what legitimises your identity.

We can ask questions, but the most important one is “Is it okay for me to ask about the process?”

I totally agree, consent is important. But get away from this obsession with “the process” – which given the wording is really is another way to talk about genitals. How about just asking them how they’re doing? Furthermore, different people would be quite content not to be reminded how they’re seen as different all the time.

Like some people might want to talk about it, which is totally cool. But bringing up intimate details about someone’s body, especially in a work situation like this article, I don’t think makes for a welcoming environment. Do you really want to go to work to be asked about your genitals even in a polite way?

Don’t ignore what is happening. For a transgendered person, ignoring this life affirming change will result in him or her feeling as though you either don’t care or that you have a problem with the situation.

Actually, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with treating the person as you always have, new name and pronouns aside. In fact, that might be pretty fucking desirable. Depends on the person. It’s not a sign that you don’t care or have a problem, it could be the very opposite. Pretty sweeping assumption though, well done article author.

So yeah, just a terrible piece of work. I mean the intent is to have people be more supportive of trans people in their workplace, but instead they get told that trans people’s identities are reduced to genitalia, that they aren’t really that identity anyways, that it’s normal to fear them being attracted to you, etc.

On to the revised version.

The Revised Article
Showing Respect for Transgender or Transsexual Co-workers

Overview

Understanding and showing respect for transgender or transsexual co-workers, colleagues or business associates.
- Basic terms and definitions
- How you may feel when you learn that you have a transgender or transsexual co-worker
- Ways to show respect for transgender or transsexual co-workers
Basic terms and definitions

The term LGBT is widely used for people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, but each of those groups is unique. Here are some definitions to keep in mind:
- Lesbian, gay and bisexual are words to describe a person’s sexual orientation – a term that indicates whether someone is attracted to the same sex, the opposite sex or both.
- Transgender refers to gender identity, and not to sexual orientation . Gender identity is the sex that a person identifies with on a deep psychological level, whether or not his or her birth certificate reflects it. It is “an umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or gender expression differs from the sex they were assigned at birth,” according to the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center (www.gaycenter.org). “The term may include but is not limited to transsexuals, cross-dressers, and other gender-variant people. Transgender people may identify as female-to-male (FTM) or male-to-female (MTF).” A transgender person can be straight, gay or bisexual.
- Transsexual is an older term that refers to someone who identifies as a member of the opposite gender and who, through surgery or hormone therapy or both, acquires physical characteristics of that gender. The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center says that many people who have had surgery or hormone therapy call themselves transgender rather than transsexual.“However, unlike transgender, the term transsexual is not an umbrella term, and many transgender people do not identity as transsexual.”
At work and elsewhere, it’s best to use the term the person prefers. Avoid using the term “transgender lifestyle.” Transgender adults have many lifestyles, just as others do.

Many transgender people have gender reassignment surgery (SRS), the term preferred to “sex-change operation.” But, not everyone wants or can afford to have the surgery, and not having it doesn’t make gender identity less important to the person.

How you may feel when you learn that you have transgender co-worker

It can be confusing when a person whom with you have worked for some time – and particularly if you know him or her well – begins to take on a new gender identity. If this happens, you may:
- Feel hurt or even betrayed that the person kept an important secret from you.
- Wonder if you will become the object of the person’s affection.
- Worry that you will say or do something that will result in a distancing from a person to whom you were once close.
All of these reactions are normal. In some ways, you may be mourning the loss of the person you knew, and feeling as though you need to reacquaint with that person all over again.

Showing respect for transgender co-workers

If your transgender co-worker has made the decision to go through the process of gender reassignment, here are some important things to remember:
- Keep in mind that sexual reassignment is not a decision anyone makes lightly. It is difficult and requires courage.
- Remember that while your co-worker’s outward appearance may be changing, other aspects of their personhood aren’t.Your colleague has the same personality, the same sense of humour, the same professional skills and qualifications. In order to maintain a good relationship, you will need to respect his or her decision and understand that this isn’t about making a statement, but rather about feeling a complete and correct human being.
- Respect your co-worker’s right to privacy as he or she makes the transition, but don’t ignore what is happening. Ignoring this life-affirming change may make the person feel as though you either don’t care or that you have a problem with the situation. If you aren’t sure what to say, you might simply ask your colleague, “Is it OK for me to ask about the process?”
You may also want to visit the website for PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays Canada – www.pflagcanada.ca),which has an extensive section of transgender resources that can help you understand your colleague’s experience and possibly even the changes that he or she may be experiencing.

Don’t be afraid to feel awkward. It’s normal to feel unsure of how to act when a new situation arises. Be respectful, be supportive, remain interested, and your colleague’s transformation may just change your life as well.
So… Better?

The title sets the right tone, with “Showing Respect for Transgender or Transexual Co-workers.”

The definitions this time round are actually okay. It helps that they copied-and-pasted parts of them from better websites. Gone is the incorrect gendering and the use of surgery as what validates your identity. In fact, there’s now a paragraph about how surgery isn’t the arbiter of identity. The definitions could stand to be improved (there are more orientations than just straight/gay/bi), but it’s a big step up from before.

Justification for discrimination, and words like “tricked”, “fear”, and “target” have all been removed. That’s good. What’s less good is that the gay panic shit remains, albeit reworded in less strong language (you may “wonder if you will become the object of the person’s affection.”) That should just be removed entirely.

Because much of the revised article is rewording of the original, the association between surgery and identity still remains in spots. There’s still that suggestion of what many would associate with asking questions about their genitals in a work setting (“Is it OK for me to ask about the process?”)

The revised article concludes by suggestion the reader visit PFLAG’s website. So overall, the new article is better. It’s not a very useful article, given that their approach to making it acceptable was to cut, copy, reword – rather than write something decent from scratch. But better that than the original, which was spreading really terrible ways to look at trans matters.
August 23, 2013
Lost Vegas

On Thursday evening, I left for a hacker conference in Las Vegas. This was to be a last hurrah for me. Given that my interest in internet security had waned, I was there not so much for the talks, but to say a final farewell to the friends I had made over the years.

The social aspect was good. There was a convention-within-a-convention named Queercon. That translated into mixers and a pool party with good music and scantily clad men. I got to meet lots of interesting folk all throughout, who worked in the higher echelons of Sony and Google.

Everyone was amicable and I quickly made friends. At one point, I was given a gaydar. Really. This was a device distributed to the queer attendees that lit up when others like it were nearby. It then gave you credit for that interaction, which translated to more diodes lighting up to form a circle. It encouraged people to mingle.

Meanwhile, the associated pool party represented the first time I was visibly my gender fucked self in public. It took all my courage to take off my shirt, but it was so worth it. A feeling of pure liberation.

The Bad

This trip will also be remembered for how anxiety inducing it was.

That started from the flight out to Vegas. My first leg got delayed by an hour, meaning I’d land two minutes before the boarding of the second half. Only this was Chicago O’Hare, which is huge, and the second leg left from a separate terminal. I really didn’t want to be stuck at the airport overnight, which is what would have happened if I missed this flight.

So when my plane landed in Chicago, I ran like hell. I still don’t know how, but I made it. I got on the plane OK, landed in Vegas, and got to my hotel. After an hour in line waiting to check in, I finally made it to my room. It was 2AM early Friday.

I woke up the following morning and headed to the conference. Within minutes of arriving, work started to text me about a systems issue they were having. Being a long walk away from my hotel room and the laptop it contained, I couldn’t do anything about it except diagnose it over text. I was told to work on it after I got back at night, but it was stressful nonetheless. That interaction with work exhausted all my funds with my cellphone carrier and put a weight on my mind that really impinged my capacity to enjoy this first day of my vacation.

But really, that was small fish. Because on the morning of the next day, I lost my wallet. Or it was stolen. Still not sure what happened, though I know precisely where and when it occured.

Can’t say Lost and Found and security were much help here. Lost and Found was closed until the day after I left town. Security and everyone else I encountered staff wise were entirely apathetic.

That wallet had my room key, my debit/credit cards, cash, my drivers license, my health card, my bus pass among others. I had no access to funds except about five bucks in change, this in a town where a cup of coffee was $4.

After getting over the initial anxiety, I resolved that this didn’t have to be a big deal. I could still attend the conference all the same. I wasn’t going to use my ID in Vegas as I still had my passport. It was only my lack of funds that were a problem for food and as an emergency taxi ride if my airport shuttle didn’t show up.

I really only had to last until the evening of the next day, and then I’d be on a plane ride home anyways. Not bad. I could do this.

I used my passport to get another room key. Then once in my room I filled up my phone with money, before putting a hold on my credit card.

Getting the phone number for my credit card company was an anxiety inducing in its own right. My hotel’s Internet was very unreliable; it would cut out every thirty seconds for minutes at a time. I couldn’t use Google. I ended up remembering that I had called the credit card company to warn them of my travel plans, so the number was still in my phone’s history. Problem solved.

I checked the last transactions with the bank while on the phone, and it had not been used fraudulently. Awesome. I called my dad and got him to give me a lift home from the airport given that I no longer had my bus pass. Okay, I was now sorted to get back home.

My priority then came to ingest enough calories. My friends bought me lunch, which was a huge BBQ bacon cheese burger that must have been at least 2,000 calories. That lasted me the rest of the Saturday.

On Sunday, I stocked up on apples that were being given for free at a booth promoting some university at the conference. I also bought a $1.99 footlong hot dog. And someone gave me a free beer. And I drank the water in my hotel room in copious amounts. I ended up spending $3 on food that day. Not bad.

I enjoyed the remainder of the conference, and then it came time to go home. It was night. All my shuttle had to do now was to show up. I had called it the day before to schedule a pick up. I was really uncomfortable with not having cash as a backup in case it didn’t show up, but that was paranoid, right?

Apparently not. My shuttle never showed up. The one scheduled before it did, but they wouldn’t let me on early. I had to wait they told me. I wasn’t alone – there was another lady with me. Thirty minutes after the shuttle was supposed show up, we called up its company. We were told it had already come by, which was entirely untrue.

I started to panic. A shuttle from a different company then came. I got the lady to agree to pay my fare to the airport. By this point, it was an hour after the scheduled pick up. Meanwhile, another bus showed up – from “our” shuttle company. It wasn’t to pick up though, but to drop off.

Nevertheless, the driver heard our plight and generously drove us to the airport, even though it really wasn’t his job to do so.

I arrived at the terminal way later than scheduled, but I was still good. Almost home. While in security, I started chatting up with this Canadian R&D architect that worked in New York. He had also gone to the conference.

We kept talking at the gate. Then it was time to board. I was finally on my way home. After all of this, it was soon going to be over.

But the plane never left. First, it was announced that there was a mechanical issue. Finally, it was said that this couldn’t be fixed and we had to get off.

I nearly broke down. I had no money for a cab ride, no money for a room for the night, no nothing. I had no money for food if this got delayed to the next day.

I sat down with the other Canadian and shot the shit at the gate. He bought me water and some snacks for us. Another plane was called in for us. By 3AM we were on another flight. Before getting on, he lent me a $50 bill.

Things started to turn around.

This delay meant I had missed my connection. That said, I was able to get on another flight, which would only make me seven hours behind schedule. Good news, all told.

I landed in Newark and bought my first real meal in two days with the money I was passed.

It’s hard to express how wonderful it tasted.

When the announcement came stating that my plane for the final leg home was “broken” and that they weren’t sure if they could get another one in, I was okay. Oh yes, you read that right: both planes on both legs of my journey had endured mechanical failures. But I had $40 left for food, and I could hold out comfortably.

In the end, they did find a replacement plane, and I ended up home only eight hours after initially planned. My dad picked me up and brought me home to my best friend, who had made a wonderful comfort dinner. Both gave me nice hugs.

The Good

People were really nice to me.

From the lady who would have paid my shuttle fare, to the shuttle driver who took us to the airport, to my best friend who put extra money on my phone and was always there for me, to my dad’s moral support and pick up once home, to the friend who bought my meal that day, to another friend I made at the con who would have been there had I been unable to make the shuttle, to the awesome expat.

Most of these people were strangers before this weekend, but without them, this would have been so much worse. I am so thankful for their help.

I’m grateful it wasn’t worse: I still had my passport. Had that gone too, resolving matters would have been far more complicated.

I’m also thankful to George, who was a good companion at Newark. Not much of a talker, but a good people watcher.

August 5, 2013
Web design fail

So I went to fill up my Presto card, which is the rechargeable pass being rolled out to access Ottawa’s public transit system. The back of the card instructed me to go to prestocard.ca.

Once at the website, I was greeted with what’s pictured below. There was a spot to register your card, which I tried. However, the error message told me that the card and activation number on the card didn’t match their records. Odd. So then I tried to fill it up anonymously, but then was informed that mine wasn’t a valid PRESTO card number.

The PRESTO site for Toronto & Hamilton.

I assumed that it was a problem on their end. I ended up charging up the card in-person.

The next month, I noticed that there was an identical website that I was supposed to use. That all Ottawa riders are supposed to use. It’s not at prestocard.ca or www.prestocard.ca, but www2.prestocard.ca. Everything about it was otherwise the same. The main site was only for Toronto’s PRESTO system, irrespective of the municipality you were from.

The PRESTO site for Ottawa.

This is exactly how you don’t want to design a website. If the card for Ottawa riders says to go to a website to fill up, and that website says that you can enter your card number here to fill up, you should be able to do just that.

If they want one website to serve both municipalities, then there should be a splash page or a clear indication for residents of each where to go. Since it’s the same system, the error I got should then have reflected the possibility of my using the site for the wrong locale. Better yet, there should have just been one website for everyone.

It also looks like they added the text “Ottawa Site” at the top of the main page too when you get there, which means you aren’t on the site for Ottawa.

This is definitively a design fail.

July 27, 2013
Gender F*cked

I stared at my cellphone. The phone number was there, I just had to press the icon of the phone to place the call. I couldn’t.

The second day I did it. I explained to the person on the other end that I had called about being able to get an assessment for hormone replacement therapy. They thought that this wasn’t the right extension, but that they’d find the individual I was trying to get to and have them call me. They then asked me for my number. I froze.

I couldn’t remember my own phone number. This had never happened. My old phone number came to mind. Was that my old one? My new one? I knew my email address. Could I give them that instead? They then read off her Caller ID and asked me if that was my number. It was. Thank goodness.

I got a call back. I was told that this was a new program, and that they’d call me next week to schedule an appointment with for the assessment. That was in May.

It doesn’t feel two months have passed.

I’ve seen the social support worker twice now. I have four more appointments to go before I can get a referral to an endocrinologist. I’m really grateful for the program that’s giving me these free appointments, because the other avenue of approaching my family doctor just wasn’t an option.

How far I’ve come, in so many ways. For those who have been around me during this time, especially those that just listened and opened up to me, I’d like to thank you. One of my greatest obstacles had been to overcome this feeling that what I was experiencing wasn’t real because it didn’t share the resolve of that narrative I heard over and over. You broke that perception down, and in doing so, made me feel a little less alone.

There are many unknowns that remain in me. My head is a mess of strong emotions and anecdotes, wishes and pains. I’ve nonetheless decided to go ahead with the process of acquiring hormone replacement therapy. To make that call, book the appointments. First out of fear of deep regret if I waited while my body further masculinized, and then out of a nascent sense of confidence.

The more time passes, the more I’m sure that that was the right thing to do. Having a future where my body becomes a part of me that helps me find joy, as opposed to being an impediment to that, is becoming viable. I don’t want to give the impression that everything is certain. It isn’t. But stories from those around me has given me strength to find myself, and I know that I won’t regret anything as I move forward.

So where does that leave you and me.

At this time, if I’m asked for my preferred pronouns, I answer they/them. I don’t correct people that use ‘he’. I don’t feel like either the trans or cis label fit me, jokingly referring to myself as gender fucked. You can use genderqueer. I would also caution against the erroneous assumption that my choice of labels diminishes the importance of transitioning for myself.

Finally, I want to thank everyone that’s shown me kindness and acceptance.

July 25, 2013